S3 Gentle Reminder Little F’ers ooops

Mirroring what I do at work because I try to remain slightly professional, I’m sending a “Gentle Reminder” that today is SATISFIED STAYING SINGLE DAY or S3.  Okay, I admit that while typing a gentle reminder for the 2nd or 3rd time, it’s usually accompanied by a Tourette syndrome-like twitching and the F word sputtering out of my mouth preceded by Mother or Dumb…or an antonym like wad, tart, ing asshole.  At this point, I’m just happy I don’t actually type it and hit the send button because my fingers fly way faster than my brain.

So….I was so excited about S3 day that I prematurely posted this back in November. However, my prediction about the Xmas shit being ripped off the shelves and replaced with satin hearts on December 26th was spot on because I witnessed it firsthand.  I hit up Walgreens to fill my candy jar with the 75% off Xmas candy because sales are one of my many little addictions.

So….since that preemie S3 post, I’ve learned that the Tuesday prior Valentine’s Day is called “Red” or “Bloody” Tuesday.  It’s the most popular day of the year for break up carnage to avoid having to purchase lovie a card or buy roses.  Then again, you could just kill two birds with one stone and opt for January’s “Dissolution of Marriage Month.”  After the holiday season spent with the family, January is the #1 month for filing divorce papers.

February 11th, a mere 3 days before Valentine’s Day.  I just love that there is something for everyone.  We’re all a little special you know.  I know I’m repeating some of what I posted on this, but I don’t give a shit.  I did say I would celebrate S3 day by perhaps taking a trip to a tropical island, and I did Darien-style.  Instant gratification.  A month early because we need everything instantaneous in my town.

I had the pleasure of observing couples getting off of spectacular cruise liners to bicker and be glued to their stupid phones, all the while I’m looking up at the spectacular blue sky, down at the powder white sand and over at the turquoise sea.   It just reiterated that “Marriage is  like paying an endless visit in your worst clothes.”  I had more meaningful conversation with a group from Bogata, Columbia and my Spanish consists only of bad words and body parts we can’t really talk about freely in English (all thanks to my restaurant employment with my South American contingent).  However, I spent an entire afternoon with Bogata, laughing and enjoying their company immensely.

So….again this is my Top 10 of what I miss about being married or why I am grateful that I am no longer married:

1. I miss the shock factor on my ex’s face of purchasing a brand new car and telling him when he got home from work he had to drop me off to pick it up.  A crowning moment. 
2. I am grateful for no longer getting an electric mixer, frying pan, a bird feeder or a hot pink Hanes Her Way sweat suit as a Christmas or Birthday gift or perhaps a gift card purchased in the check out line at Stop & Shop.
3. I am grateful for no longer having to buy men’s boxer briefs.
4. I am grateful for no longer having to listen to the droning on about retirement plans starting at age of 40. (Next up – funeral planning yay!)
5. I am grateful for no longer having to share my walk in closet or 5 bureaus. (Chances are I wouldn’t need that space because I would’ve had to curb my clothes-whoring addiction)
6. I  do miss going clothes and shoe shopping and having to cut off tags and smuggle it all in little by little from the car. (See #5)
7. I do miss having to sympathize with my Ex who would moan and carry on about not feeling well, allergies, headaches, sports injuries, etc., or checking his ass for hemorrhoids. The sole reason men were anatomically incapable of giving birth, and I wouldn’t be writing this because the human race would be extinct by now. (Yea, missing those ass checks…..NOT)
8. I miss watching the psycho pack the car for the family camping trips and making the kids cry.
9. I am grateful for no longer having to hang his postal truck ornaments on the Christmas tree. (However, I do miss the shit boats of cash tips & liquor during the holidays)
10. Last but not least, I miss the classic line,  “Why didn’t you tell me you needed help?”  Well, gee hunny, did you not see that floor mop wedged in between my ass cheeks simultaneously mopping the floor while I was making dinner, and holding a baby? Or was that not a big enough clue?  Oh, you’re tired from work?

If I was to ever give advice……

• Fall in love with someone who will make you their world, but not their entire world.  It’s healthy for women and men to have a circle of friends…it just is….no matter how far your childhood or soul friend moves, keep in touch because you will reconnect someday due to time and circumstance.
• Fall in love with someone who is never in competition with you or you competing with them.  Never make it a competition who does more, works more, gets more free time.  No one ever wins that competition.
• Fall in love with someone willing.  Someone who loves themselves first because if they don’t, they certainly won’t know how to love you.
• Fall in love with someone who accepts your quirks and you theirs.  Don’t bother trying to change them because you won’t succeed.  Like zebras, the don’t change their stripes.
• Fall in love with someone who is crazy for children whether or not you ever have them.  Children are the windows to the soul.
• Fall in love with someone who loves animals, and would never do them harm.  Someone that an animal will gravitate to because animals are more often a better judge of a person’s character than humans.
• Love the people in your life that love you back.  You will never be lonely if you love and are loved back.  It doesn’t take just one person to fulfill your life.

I wish you all a very Happy S3 Day and/or Valentine’s Day.  Whatever day you choose, make it a good day.  Go grab a Lovie, your tribe, a friend, a senior and surround yourself with love.  There’s plenty out there for the grabbing.