The Anal Braggadocious Christmas Letter

Yes, there are still families that publish the anal …. sorry  I meant annual family Christmas letter that makes you want to hurl.  Add to that, there’s the perfect family photo collages on both the front AND back side of the card.  Then there’s the card insert – a double-sided, size 8 font-need-CVS-magnifying glass-letter of each family member’s accomplishments for the year.  I have had the ultimate enjoyment to read this letter for the past 3+ years even though I have never met a single one of these people. However, I do feel as though I am now close enough to each of them to hold their hand while they’re having a colonoscopy since we’re butt buddies – they have set my ass ablaze with the amount of smoke they’ve blown up it.  The Italian term for this Type “A” personality is braggadocious aka Bragger.

Since this letter originates from another part of the U.S. and is sent here to the Nor’east swirling vortex of insanity each year, I am one of dozens who await the infamous Maddie Looney Xmas letter.  Last year I stooped to begging level to break into my friend’s home while they were away in order to get my hands on the letter, but nooooo.  Instead I was summoned over to my friend’s home at 8:30 a.m. on New Year’s morning after they had just landed 2 hours prior and me with minimal sleep as well.  Decked out in my P.J.’s, bed head, fleece slippers, I hauled ass over with the ingredients for Girl Scout coffees (recipe below) to partake in the traditional reading of “The Maddie Looney Letter.”

While we impatiently await this year’s accomplishments from the Looney’s, I hope you enjoy 2014’s letter as much as we all did.  Names & locations have been changed to protect their purity and flawless lives.  Asides from that, it’s completely authentic.  Remarks are in color – a compilation from many contributors of the sarcastic Nor’east, but many are mine.

Dear Friends & Family,

We hope that 2014 has been as generous to you as it has been to Clan Looney.  Keeping track of comings and goings in our household can sometimes be a challenge, but in the end we are glad to have been blessed with another happy, healthy, and wonderful year together.  The dynamics of the Looney household have also changed this year.  With Kevin going off to college this past Fall, Patrick is now the only male in the house!  Gone are the days of Sports Center, College Game Day and discussions about NFL Fantasy Football.  Instead T.V. shows like Dance Moms, One Tree Hill and Gossip Girl reign supreme.  When the lights go out, I bet Penisland.com and PornPerv.com reign supreme on the clan’s iPads under the down comforters.

Patrick and Maddie celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary this past November!  To celebrate, the entire crew spent the weekend after Thanksgiving at a resort.  We had the chance to partake in skeet shooting and paint ball as a family.  The girls got their nails done in the spa and the boys watched hours of football together.  It was a perfect anniversary celebration.  Maddie surprised everyone with her skill and ferocity with a shotgun!   She was a real natural.  (Excellent.  Let’s get you enlisted to take out ISIS with your paint ball ferocity) Patrick is finishing his second year as Interim/Acting Chair of Surgery at University Hospital.  The process is underway to remove the interim title – stay tuned for the formal announcement. We await that announcement with about as much excitement as an STD test! He also has taken to wearing bow ties and cowboy boots. If I had to guess, Paddy-me-boy is playing giddy up in a supply closet with a breastis enhanced nurse.  Sounds like a mid-life crisis if ever there was one. Or Paddy gots himself a butt buddy.  Maddie is amazing as always. Are you SHITTING ME? Did she seriously just gush about herself in the first person? As if she didn’t have enough already on her plate, Maddie agreed to be President of the Pinehurst Swim and Dive Booster Club.  Madame President (as Patrick and the kids like to call her) still keeps it all straight!  She’s the best!!!!!!!! OKAY, I WANT WHATEVER MEDS THIS BROAD IS ON!  She must have some rockin’ psychiatrist that ends her daily sessions with a tantric massage.

Now comes the blow-by-blow for all their perfect children.  I’m venturing to guess that the Irish rhythm method failed miserably for the Looney clan.

Birgitta, 23, a graduate student at Bucknell University-Birgitta has one more semester to go before she receives a master’s degree in Kinesiology (look it up, we had to) and is looking forward to a career as a swim coach when she finishes school.  Maddie was present at Brigitta’s last meet in March and watch with tears in her eyes as Brigitta won the final race of her career.  Brigitta is a volunteer graduate coach with the Bucky’s Women’s swim team.  She was named to the SEC Academic Honor Roll for the second straight year and received the prestigious Buck Spirit Award from the Bucknell Association of former students.(of course she did)  This past summer Brigitta visited Europe and made a stop in London.  Finally, her boyfriend (2 years) keeps her on her toes with his boundless energy. Oh, I bet he does especially when she’s on her tippy toes in the corner of a bathroom stall goin’ boink-a-boink.  She’s our inspiration 🙂 I’m sure she is, Maddie, I’m sure she is….all gumby-like. 

Riley, 22, a graduate student (4th year or red shirt senior at UVA)-Riley graduated from UVA this past spring with a Bachelor’s degree in Risk Management and Insurance.  He is currently enrolled in the School of Kinesiology (copy cat) obtaining a master’s degree in Sports Management.  He’s looking hard for an internship spot this summer!  Riley also made the SEC Academic Honor Roll, UVA Athletic Director’s Honor Roll and was name Co-President of the UVA Student-Athletic Advisory Committee this past August! (of course he is)

Callan, 20, a junior at University of Virginia made it back into the pool this past year after taking almost a year off to recover from back surgery.  His recovery has been nothing short of amazing (of course) as he qualified for the 2016 US Olympic Trials in the 400-meter IM this past summer. (of course he did)  He also continues to excel in the classroom. (of course he did) He was a recipient of the Rumsey Scholarship for Academic and Athletic Excellence (way to go dude!) and hopes to enroll in medical school after he graduates from UVA. (of course he does)

Kevin, almost 19, a freshman at Duke University-Kevin graduated from Pinehurst High School in May as an Honors Graduate. (of course he did) He enrolled at University this past Fall.  It doesn’t stop there though!  He trained incredibly hard over the summer and made the Duke Football Team as a walk-on.  Kevin was voted Offensive Scout Team Player of the Week for the Tulane game. (aka TWERKING Locker Room Bitch) He also has had a tremendous start academically at Duke finishing with a 3.5 GPA for his first semester.(of course he did)  We couldn’t be more proud of him! (of course you are)

Eilish, 16, a sophomore at Pinehurst HS-Eilish  continues to excel in and out of the swimming pool (of course).   This past Spring Eilish was the County and Pinehurst H.S. State Champion in the 200-yard IM.  Not bad for a freshman!  As a sophomore, Eilish is stepping up as a role model and leader for Pinehurst Swim & Dive. (of course she did)   Out of the pool Eilish is thriving in school.  (of course she is) She is an incredibly talented artist with several of her works receiving attention at state and national art fairs this year. (of course she did) Also be on the look out….Lishy gets her license in 2015! Oh, Maddie….no Year/Make/Model/VIN # for the Jeep Cherokee awaiting this little brilliant closet bulimic?

Brenna, 14 freshman at Pinehurst HS-Brenna a freshman?!?!?! Man where does the time fly? She loves being on the Pinehurst Swim Team with her big sister.  It makes Mom and Dad proud to see the two girls cheering for all their teammates at the Pinehurst Swim Meets.  We know we’ve done something right! You’d had better got the 6th F’ing pancake right on that griddle!  Brenna also has had the opportunity to begin participating in theater.  She is incredibly talented and just seems to have “IT” when the focus is on!   (oooh, is there a possibility of a little focus/ADD issue?  Fess up Maddie – what dose of Adderall is Brenny on?) Brenna is also a talented artist and exceptional student in her own right! In other words, she doesn’t quite stack up against her siblings too guud.  I see a therapist sofa in the future.

Maeve, 11, a 6th grader in Middle School-Not to be out done by her sisters, Maeve continues to thrive in the pool.  (of course she does) She also is organized and diligent, and seems to have it all together in school as well.(of course she does)  Sometimes it’s hard to believe that Maeve is only 11!  She is in orchestra this year; she plays violin and loves it!  (Definition:  good with her fingers) When not swimming Maeve also enjoys hanging out with the dog, her friends, playing apps (like you-tubing “Fellatio”) on the iphone (sexting) and iPad, Disney Channel, cartwheels (practicing gumby moves like her big sister), computer (watching porn videos) & family, and is a cutter .

Sending love to you this holiday season.  May you be blessed with good health, happiness & prosperity in 2014.  Pray for peace!  Merry Christmas & Happy New Year Y’all!

Y’all, since that wasn’t painful enough, we have in font #6 the Looney family’s year summed up in numbers:

The YEAR IN #’S

Kids married – ZERO

Kids employed – ZERO

Kids in College/Grad School – 4

Kids in SEC Schools – 4

Kids at Notre Dame – 0 (How the deck does that happen?  Bank of Dad breathes a sigh of relief, however!)

Division I College Athletes in 2014 – 4

Kids in High School – 2

Kids in Middle School – 1

Kids in Elementary School – 0 (We have graduated!)

Teenage drivers – 2

Times Walked the Dog – 750

Amount of Puppy Love – Priceless!

New car Tires – 12 (Maddie got a Christmas card from Town Fair Tires!  They Love her!)

Orchestra concerts – 4

Back surgeries – 0 (Thank Goodness)

Trips to the dentist – 35

Orthodontist Visits – 27

Contact Lenses – 375

Glasses – 6

Science Fair Winners – 1

Kids with braces – 2 (Brenny-Bren got her braces off!)

Kids with Braces for the 2nd time – 1 (wear your retainer this time Lishy!)

Trips to pilates – 145

Total Number of Broken Cell Phones – 3

Total Number of Lost/Stolen Cell Phones – 1

Total Number of Working Cell Phones – 9

# of Tutoring Hours – 35

Miles Driven to Work – Thousands

Surgeries Performed – Hundreds

Patients seen – Hundreds

Trips to Swim (swim practice) – countless

Number of practice yards/meters we swam – Countless (Hundreds of Thousands)

Number of Missed Swim Practices – 10

Trips to Airport – 30+

Collegiate Swim Meets – 12

High School Swim Meets – 12

High School Swim Meets – 13

Text messages, E-mails, FACEBOOK entries – countless

Tweets – Hundreds

State/County Swimming Champions – 1

SEC Football games attended – 7

Notre Dame Football Games Attended – 1 (what?)

Hours of Homework – Thousands

Laundry Loads – Countless

Dishwasher cycles – 1000+

Water bottles recycled – Thousands

Movies attended at theaters – More than 25

Episodes of SNL & Glee – 45

Out of town swim meets – over a dozen

Cell phone chargers – greater than $2,000

Miles Walked/Jogged/Run – Thousands

Meals – Thousands

Chocolate Chip Cookies Eaten – 1,248

Chick-fil-A Biscuits eaten – 185

Panda Express Meals – Hundreds

Total Annual Swim Practices Attended – Thousands

Total Annual Grocery Expense – $$$$$COUNTLESS$$$$$

P.S. Stock Tips:  BUY:  TYR, SPEEDO, Panda Express, Chick-fil-A, Pubics, Kroger, Best Buy, Apple, Verizon, Chipotle, Liberty Mutal (soon to have 5 kids driving).  We keep them all in business!  STRONG SELL:  P&G (Tide)

Where, I ask, is the number of witch hazel cooling wipes to put out the fires for blowing all that smoke out her ass???  Now y’all stay tuned for my friend’s Xmas letter Nor’easter Swirling Vortex of Insanity style. It is authentic as well and in no way resembles this in any way, shape or form.  Trust me….and then I shall share my own “censored” Xmas Letter.

Girl Scout Coffee –

Needed:  Big mug, strong coffee, whipped cream, creme de menthe liqueor, creme de cacao. The Italian way mixture – a little of this, a little of that & top it with whipped cream.