An Excerpt from: “The Horse Won’t Come Out of The Barn”

My criteria for a man after my divorce was – Must have a job, teeth, must have owned something (even if the wife got it in a divorce), a retirement fund, not live with the Mother, an unsuspended driver’s license, a car, and insurance.  One of my beach biddies, Madame Elizabeth (pronounced Ma-Dom), told me I was setting my expectations way too high…. and I hate her because I attract men that either need a purse or a nurse, most of which you can hear breathing across the damn street due to sleep apnea, their testosterone shitting the bed thus building the dicky-doo physique (when their gut sticks out more than their dicky do). Like a pre-nup, I’ve lowered my pre-req to:   Breathing and not a Viagra pill junky.

 Men still want a piece of nice young ass and will risk a four plus hour erection and a visit to the ER to get a piece.  I was told a story by an ER nurse that a man came in with the extended Viagra erection – the technical term is priapism and it’s basically a heart attack for the penis.  The longer the blood is trapped in the penis without being irrigated, the penis turns black and falls off.  Kidding – well maybe.  Anyway, erector penis came through the ER door and the man was way past the recommended four hour curfew on seeking medical attention.  Yes, he took the little blue pill and yes he’d had this woody for over double the time recommended by the Surgeon General, but by the time the ER staff detailed out the irrigation system that needed to be performed to deflate his engorged penis, he signed a waiver for release because he had to go pick up his wife at the train station.  So, clearly it wasn’t his wife his penis was standing at attention for on overtime.  He returns to the hospital with his wife telling her he has a gall stone, but doesn’t want her in the room with him and begs the ER staff not to disclose any information.  You know where this is heading and “head” being the operative word.  A case study showed there were 10,000 cases of priapism in just one year. That my friends is a whole lot ‘O big dicks.  Men will always be boys and the problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time, and we women know which gets the most blood flow.

Ten years in a department of 40 men.  Uniform ordering day is always something I look forward to.  I know who ordered their Dickie work pants to fit under their Dicky-Doo or around their Dicky-Doo.