Urban Dictionary: Functional Human Webster Dictionary: Normal Human

Happy Highly Functional Human Day. I made that up.

There’s so much shit going down in this world, that even us high functioning humans can’t dissect or make sense of it any longer and have given up trying.  Personally, I don’t even bother to feign normal because you’ve got to possess some level of crazy to be semi-functional in a world that is goin’ all washing machine-like turbo spin cycle.

Word Up on the U.S. Government – Republicans SUCK. Democrats SUCK. Independents SUCK.  At least none of us feels left out.  Yea, yea, and it’s one big televised or online Haterade Fest. You’ve got the real news….well, maybe, kinda, sorta and you got the fake news.  Then there’s the 2 thumbs up SNL versions. What we can count on is the Earth Tribe’s posts that the 911 attacks were, in fact, a conspiracy, and Sandy Hook never really happened.  You get the sick and twisted point. What we do know from paparazzi photos is our mASS Tweeter-cheesy Dorito-hue-YOLO President is beefing up his golf game every weekend in Palm Beach getting ready for the Masters.  Can you imagine if all the veterans, physically and mentally impaired, and homeless of our country benefited from some of those gazillions of dollars we’re all spending protecting the cheesy Dorito and cheeto family.  WTF is wrong with this picture?  “Nothing,” says everybody on the Trump payroll and employed at Mar-A-lago.  Life is good in West Palm Beach.

When I really want to know what’s going on around everybody’s town and Russia, I read the Skimm.  A synopsis of the day’s events delivered in snarky tone mirroring my own.  Do me a favor and Skimm that shit so I can make the “A” list of Skimm Ambassadors.  Where the hell is Sara Palin’s deck report on Russia anyway? I’d probably believe her and her binoculars at this point.

My 2 cents on life, relationships & other worldly bullshit – Alas, the gravitational pull – Screwing up children and families from the beginning of time. You can take one look at a kid after meeting the parent(s) and conclude the kid is screwed.  For life.  Or take one look at an adult and think, “Oh, dear Lord, please say you didn’t procreate.”  A few year’s back, I would be absolutely enamored with a person’s life story.  Nothing shocks or fascinates me now because once you begin connecting the dots, the foundation is always the same – cracked.  Damaged childhood due to substance or physical abuse, mental health issues of a parent(s), infidelity, and the list goes on.  Can you say REPEAT?  When humans naturally gravitate to someone who is just as damaged without ever breaking the cycle.  Therefore, the cycle of dysfunction continues and pours more cracked foundations.   The Result: The next generation inherits more of the DNA malfunction. Word to the wise prior to that boink-a-boink in the hay or in the high school bathroom stall:  DNA testing, psych eval, psych eval, psych eval of the potential significant other and the whole family.  Maybe just live in sin and experience it firsthand, and have a bag packed for the Irish exit just in case.

I’m not worried about the fate of our spinning world because the only things occupying my mind now is how amazingly cold those copper cups keep a moscow mule, scoring a reservation on the bicycle bar in Nashville, or designing a retirement community of tiny houses for all of my friends so we can take care of each other as Golden Girls/Boys because…..

Long Term Care Facilities are equivalent to a Motel 6 & Nobody Cares – Immediately forget that once you walk out the door from visiting your elder in an extended care home, they are no longer attended to in a humane way.  It’s a hard emotion to shake.  Then when the time comes and that elder’s body functions are clearly shutting down, a decision needs to be made in regards to palliative care; and one would think the facility’s staff would be well versed in guiding you to that next level of care since these facilities are usually one of the gateways to Heaven?!?!? And the answer is……Aaaah, No. Forget even thinking someone will sit you down in a compassionate way such as a social worker or care coordinator to explain how the process works.  Nope.  What you do get is a matter-of-fact, likely underpaid nurse who tells you, the choice is all yours, Sugar.  Now go and git it.

However, DO NOT FEAR…….HOSPICE CARE IS HERE.  These people have been and continue to be some of the Angels on Earth.  Why yes, Virginia, there are still beautiful souls who can comfort with kind words, a loving touch, along with a devotion in helping the dying cross over pain less and peacefully.  Thank you to all those organizations who care for the terminally ill and dying.  You are a blessing and so appreciated by those who have witnessed.

Remember children, loyalty ends at the exact moment when the benefit of you is no longer needed….

Try explaining that shit to a Polyanna-type friend.  I have one. I love her dearly and marvel at her continued optimism, but a Polyanna needs hands-on learning experience.  And….she just earned her learner’s permit…..3 hits in one week by those me-me-me people….and if it’s not about me, me, me, then F you.

Here’s the thing ….. and I’m not getting all High Universe Shamanic on you, but there does come a juncture in life when you finally realize you are evolving into your highest self.  When that happens, you dump frequencies that are no longer  a match to your own frequency.  I have cut people off, out, with and without explanation, because they betrayed my trust, took advantage of my good nature, or possess an unhealthy attitude or aura, and I just can’t be around that shit anymore.

For years I felt I needed to justify everything (in my head) to whomever would listen.  My Pollyanna friend being one of them.  Now she’s learned how to do the cut off and cut out.  As I’ve shared with many, I no longer care about anyone’s opinion of me.  I like who I have become and am comfortable in my skin, and this can only happen when:

• You accept your shortcomings
• Forgive your mistakes and learn from them
• Be a giver, not a taker.  Don’t take advantage of people, situations, or life in general.
• Think highly enough of yourself not to need affirmation from anyone.
• Lastly, do the right thing even if it means it’s not accepted by the majority, and it rarely is.   Usually the majority is composed of ego-types that make certain it personally benefits them.  People have all kinds of personal agendas, and sometimes the sole purpose is to elevate themselves so they can feel better about themselves.  For a half-minute anyway.

I wanna be president when I grow up… said no ever again.

Dumb question of the day:  Why would either a wealthy 69 or 70-year-old want to be president instead of retiring, buying an island, play golf or Mahjong all while being served bottomless Bellini’s??

(Bill Clinton:  Bellini is a drink, not a bottomless bikini)

Answer:  Because no amount of prosperity or notoriety, is ever enough to feed the Ego? And, that folks is how it’s done in my town…..to answer a question with a question. It saves a helluva lot of time in NEVER having to admit to answering incorrectly and being wrong.

Comments from the peanut gallery or the paranoid sector…..I’m often told my blatant truths and blog posts will offend people or get me in trouble.  I’m pretty secure in knowing that the other 90% of unpublished writings fall in that category not to mention I get in trouble for shit I don’t even write.  Even if I did have some troll or little chippy in mind while writing a piece, I can guarantee they would never think it directly applied to them. Hell, most adults I come in contact with possess ADD and can’t read anything past the headlines while scrolling Facebook.  This is how it works:  I can bash people upside the head with truths and then be totally ignored because remember…..we live in a world so wrapped up in the me-me-me.  If I shed a couple of people, I’ll just Tweet about it to make myself feel good like the Big Dorito does on his smart phone….

Smart phones – Truth replacement (because it’s so much easier to lie in a text message, tweet, or email than to someone’s face).  These phones are so smart, they’ve replaced the need to learn how to be articulate in communication or making eye contact with another human being ever again.  I wonder how new parents communicate and discipline their kids now.  Do they text them and tell them they’re grounded because they got a C or do they just block them?

Social media or electronic therapy session.  It will report everything from hospital visits (getting my colonoscopy today Yay!), to bashing posts targeting an ex-lover, to documenting every F’ing emotion you feel every hour on the hour:  Feeling concerned, feeling meh, feeling excited, feeling sad.  Here’s a photo of everyone who cares:

You know it’s bad when nursery schools have to post a sign for parent pick up, “Please put your phone down and pay attention to your child.”

Oh, yeah, for sure I am crazy because I can listen to hear versus to respond, speak articulately, make eye contact, and cutting off …..

What to say to your boss who’s been repeating the same stories for 5 years about his former job(s):  PLEASE STAAAAAAAAPPPPPPP!!!!!!! I can’t.  I just can’t, and where the hell are the scissors so I can stab myself.  Save that shit for “the home.”  That long-term memory cache will bring years of enjoyment to your nurses and fellow inmates.  You’ll rock it until someone finally beats the shit out of you with their walker.

Maybe I’ll share with him my story about, “When the well runs dry and you turn into a man.”  I’d bet my next month’s mustache, he’d have a similar story to one up me. 🙂