Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer to the end the faster it goes…..

BIOMETRIC SCREENING COMING TO YOU….

So, my place of employ offered up Biometric screening free of charge to its employees.  Biometric screening is the measurement of physical characteristics such as height, weight, body mass index, blood pressure, blood cholesterol, blood glucose, and aerobic fitness tests that can be taken at the work site and used to promote wellness.

For those who partook, good for you!  It just wasn’t for me, and here was my response to the Biometric screening and in addition:

1. I don’t wish to be reminded of my body FAT mass.  I see that mass every damn day out of the shower and play with it like Silly Putty.
2. Nobody’s finger sticking me for cholesterol (both LDL and HDL) – oh, hell NO!  Not when I have a loaded candy bowl sitting in front of me 8 hours/day.

EACH PARTICIPANT WILL EARN A TICKET TO BE ENTERED INTO A PRIZE DRAWING FOR GREAT PRIZES…

GRAND PRIZE          6 MONTH MEMBERSHIP TO MASSAGE ENVY

1. I don’t ‘knead’ Bertha herniation of my spinal discs. However, you go right ahead. Enjoy!

KEEP SCROLLING……..I’ve only just begun.

2^ND PLACE     6 WEEK MEMBERSHIP FOR A FAMILY OF 4 TO BLUE APRON

Do you seriously think “THE” Father (Jesus), The Son (Baby Jesus), The Holy Ghost (nephew) will eat food out of a box?  Do ya?  This looks like the box lunches they just packed for “Feed My Starving Children” to be shipped to Haiti.   Only the newbie Stepford wives use this to make meals for meal trains for all their friends that reproduce like rabbits.  Of course all prepared on their, 6 burner Garland stoves/or in their triple ovens.  Their kids get organic chicken nuggets for dinner with Ella squeezable veggies as a side dish.

3^RD PLACE     APPLE WATCH (SERIES 2, WATERPROOF)I stopped wearing a watch.  Life is VERY much like a roll of toilet paper.  The closer to the end, the faster it goes. I DO NOT care to know how much TP is left on my roll.

Does anybody really know what time it is?  Does anybody really care?  NO.

Just in case you didn’t know, that’s a song by the group Chicago in 1969 – you weren’t even born yet, but maybe you heard it once or twice on an FM station – that would be the ancient way of listening to music  prior to Sirius & Pandora.  Google it.

P.S.  It’s not like I’d get any pool time anyway at the YMCA to check out whether or not it really is waterproof. I had to put in my own pool because the Y’s open swims were at 2pm when my kids were in school….on purpose.  So, NO THANK YOU.

4^TH PLACE     FRESH FRUIT DELIVERY TO YOUR HOME ONCE A MONTH FOR 6 MONTHSThe only thing I’d do with this basket is make a Sangria or try & stomp the shit out of the grapes to create a libation.  Seriously?  I can snarf down an entire double batch of rice krispie treats.  Plus these things went from seed to picked fruit in 24 hours a la…………

IN ADDITION A FIT BIT TRACKER WILL BE RAFFLED OFF AT EACH LOCATION

Again, aah NO. You all don’t need one either because every time you all walk past my office window (an interior window that looks like a McDonalds take out window), I click my “vintage” counter.  No one is tracking my last steps on earth OR MY LOCATION – probably a little chip inside is watching all of yous locations!

Then a note to the Administrator & then some I sent this to:

Don’t worry – I didn’t put in for overtime to crank this out. Sometimes I just gotta release the sarciotic.  It’s like having a massage for the brain.  Bless yous all. ❤

And since everybody’s offended by every little thing…except me because I truly don’t give a shit, here’s the most brilliantly written blurb from Freecycle of all people:

“Before you wish a Merry Christmas, you might want to consider a more politically correct statement:

—-Festive Greetings—- Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. In addition, please also accept our best wishes for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2017, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make this country great (not to imply that this country is necessarily greater than any other country or area of choice), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual orientation of the wishers. This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. ‘Holiday’ is not intended to, nor shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack thereof). Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher actually to implement any of the wishes for the wisher her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation or non-implementation of it. This greeting is void where prohibited by law.  

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!  TO ALL OTHERS-FESTIVE GREETINGS (if applicable)”

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas, Festive Greetings, Happy Holidays or whatever the hell you celebrate.  If you’re blessed, count your blessings.  And, lighten up in 2017.  It’s the year of re-purposing.  Below is only the beginning of my inappropriate Pinterest projects.  Place setting markers using our garden harvested carrots, wire, and  a recycled wine cork.

 

 

 

and Voila!