For my dear friend’s daughter who asked me to write about dysfunctional holidays and another friend who was just bitching to me today about Asshole drivers.
The holiday season brings it on for everyone. It brings it alright. By Labor Day, we’ve already lost what feels like 4 hours of daylight. With less daylight, it brings SAD people who (Seasonal Affective Disorder) start sleeping more, peopling less, with ZERO ambition. It’s almost as if our bodies are preparing for winter hibernation. Add to that, the big store chains are already setting up for Christmas. That alone brings on a host of emotions, not necessarily all Merry & Bright especially for families who’ve lost a loved one, can’t provide the “Lifetime Movie T.V. image” Christmas, among the hundreds of other valid reasons.
I’m certain I’m not alone in identifying the bizarre, frenetic, and psychotic behavior of people throughout the year, with an even thicker concentration of it from November through January 1st. Let’s review a few categories that take a hit:
Driving: Almost everyone in the Northeast is always rushing no matter what time of year, but Thanksgiving to New Year’s …. holy shit! I had my first experience with HORRENDOUS HOLIDAY drivers a few years ago when I had my blinker on to make a left turn into a driveway and a woman was in such a hurry (not to mention a stupid A-hole), she tried to pass me on the left as my car was turning……LEFT. No one is paying attention this time of year, and cell phones triple your chances. Even when you stay behind the line at a light or stop sign, you can lose your entire front end and then some. Crosswalks mean absolutely nothing in our town. If anything, drivers speed up like you’re target practice. I was shocked years ago that residents in upstate Connecticut and New York actually stopped at crosswalks and allow you to walk. It was so foreign to me. Everyone is in a rush to get to important places liiiiiiike……
Squeezing in a manicure before the school bus arrives. As the observer I am, a lumberjack-type women bounded in my local nail salon looking like she just finished stacking and caulking a log cabin by herself. No salutation, just a quick scan of filled chairs and a “How long is this gonna take? And, I need a lip wax.” Hunny, you need more than a lip wax. You may want to visit the great and powerful Oz and hit up the Wash & Brush Company…..repeatedly. You may even wish to consider requesting the same service as the Cowardly Lion. There was no please or thank you. Next to me was another women who got quite snotty when the owner was trying to help her with her purse and belongings on the way to the nail dryer. She snipped, “I’ll take it.” Nope…not even a, “thank you, I’ve got it.” Like he’s really gonna heist your bag in his own establishment, Bitch? Last but not least, the sweet masseuse asks another woman, “You like massage?” Her answer, “No.” Not a, “No thank you.” Not a, “Not today, but thank you.” Just a barking NO. I realize we’re all trying to re-balance after the election that went down in history as the most immature, inappropriate, shady, corrupt, you name it, but hell’s bells….it’s as if a gigantic wad of mankind shit out all their respect and manners. WTF?
Grocery Stores: Like cars, some people shouldn’t be allowed to commandeer a shopping cart down those narrow isles. Ever. My all-time favorite haunt is what we refer to as the “League of Nations.” It’s a Shoprite in the next town over where you can be run over with a cart by an entire family fleet from South/Central America. The beauty of the League is I rarely run into anyone I know; and Spanish is the 1st language so if they’re talking smack about me, I don’t know. I’ve had to begin frequenting the League more often because my local grocery store’s last batch of hires hate their job, hate people, hate life. One day there was 3-4 employees bullshitting behind the cold cut counter, while a hunched over 80-year-old employee was spearing rotisserie chickens. They see us, ignore us, walk into the back to continue their B.S. session, but when I whispered to the guy next to me that we just got snubbed, the big he/she barked, “We’ll be right with you!” giving me the hairy eye. Oh, hell no! I grabbed the day old pre-cut shit out of the case and the Neanderthal didn’t return to packing MEAT until he/she saw me in the cereal isle. There was no F’ing way I was gonna let he/she spit on my Land ‘O Lakes cheese.
Which brings me to I’m an F’ing delightful customer. I say please and thank you probably to an annoying level. I bag my own groceries because I enjoy it. I’m always pleasant and trusting until you screw me. Recently, I got this young, petite, freaky yellow-toned corn-rowed, resting-bitch-face checker. Nasty doesn’t even begin to describe her attitude. No hello, but clearly pissed off I handed her my Stop ‘n Shop scan card. I bagged my own stuff as usual. I decided to save myself some time by getting $80 cash back instead of hitting an ATM. I don’t usually count my cash back because I always want to be trusting; but for some reason the resting-bitch-face made no eye contact when she shoved the money at me so I counted the cash and saw she stiffed me out of a 20. When I called her out on it, she didn’t look up, told me I had to wait because she had quickly started the order after me. When the little snot finally handed me the 20, she did it with no remorse, no apology, no eye contact. I’ve only seen her one time since, and for as much as I frequent that place, I’m guessing petite resting-bitch-face quit or was hopefully shit canned. Glory Be because she wasn’t peopling well.
To sum it up, for whatever reason, the Holiday season means different things to everyone and emotions can range from ultimate dread to blissful joy. Holidays can be a grim reminder of happier times especially for the elderly propped in beds/chairs, of loved ones who can’t or won’t be with us during this supposed “joyful” season. On the flip side, there’s the upbeat, hopeful energy of the newly married generation looking forward to cutting their first tree or their baby’s first Christmas or Hanukkah. Holidays, just as everything in life has its checks and balances.
I work with someone close to retirement age who starts wearing her snowman turtlenecks/Xmas fleece the minute the thermometer drops below 75. This year she’s doing some kind of daily Where’s the Hershey Bar today” photos. The Hershey Bar could be with some of her Christmas figurines, tucked in a yule log – kinda like finding Waldo. She takes Thanksgiving week off to decorate for Christmas and gets her picture taken with Santa. The minute Christmas is over, she starts posting the countdown of how many days until the next Christmas (she knows this makes me crazy). So, as the sarciotic I am, I retaliate with…. 
It’s all in good spirit, and perhaps we should all lighten up a little and play hide the salami. Maybe we should kindly call out individuals who are being rude and manner-less to other people. Maybe we should all take a personal assessment of our own manners and behavior and not be an asshole.
Just remember this particular holiday requires a lot of time, attention, stamina, and shit tons of money. If your family and friends contribute in any way in making your holiday Merry & Bright, acknowledge it. Say thank you because the day will come when you look back and wish for a replay, and there are no replays.
Wishing you all nice store clerks, a peaceful online shopping experience, and a truly blessed holiday season, and please watch out and don’t be an asshole driver.
The Word According to Be Hoxie (Hok-see) 