Month: December 2016

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer to the end the faster it goes…..

BIOMETRIC SCREENING COMING TO YOU….

So, my place of employ offered up Biometric screening free of charge to its employees.  Biometric screening is the measurement of physical characteristics such as height, weight, body mass index, blood pressure, blood cholesterol, blood glucose, and aerobic fitness tests that can be taken at the work site and used to promote wellness.

For those who partook, good for you!  It just wasn’t for me, and here was my response to the Biometric screening and in addition:

  1. I don’t wish to be reminded of my body FAT mass.  I see that mass every damn day out of the shower and play with it like Silly Putty.
  2. Nobody’s finger sticking me for cholesterol (both LDL and HDL) – oh, hell NO!  Not when I have a loaded candy bowl sitting in front of me 8 hours/day.

EACH PARTICIPANT WILL EARN A TICKET TO BE ENTERED INTO A PRIZE DRAWING FOR GREAT PRIZES…

GRAND PRIZE          6 MONTH MEMBERSHIP TO MASSAGE ENVY
 massage-envy

  1. I don’t ‘knead’ Bertha herniation of my spinal discs. However, you go right ahead. Enjoy!

bertha

KEEP SCROLLING……..I’ve only just begun.

2ND PLACE     6 WEEK MEMBERSHIP FOR A FAMILY OF 4 TO BLUE APRONblue-apron

Do you seriously think “THE” Father (Jesus), The Son (Baby Jesus), The Holy Ghost (nephew) will eat food out of a box?  Do ya?  This looks like the box lunches they just packed for “Feed My Starving Children” to be shipped to Haiti.   Only the newbie Stepford wives use this to make meals for meal trains for all their friends that reproduce like rabbits.  Of course all prepared on their, 6 burner Garland stoves/or in their triple ovens.  Their kids get organic chicken nuggets for dinner with Ella squeezable veggies as a side dish.

3RD PLACE     APPLE WATCH (SERIES 2, WATERPROOF)apple-watchI stopped wearing a watch.  Life is VERY much like a roll of toilet paper.  The closer to the end, the faster it goes. I DO NOT care to know how much TP is left on my roll.

Does anybody really know what time it is?  Does anybody really care?  NO.

Just in case you didn’t know, that’s a song by the group Chicago in 1969 – you weren’t even born yet, but maybe you heard it once or twice on an FM station – that would be the ancient way of listening to music  prior to Sirius & Pandora.  Google it.

P.S.  It’s not like I’d get any pool time anyway at the YMCA to check out whether or not it really is waterproof. I had to put in my own pool because the Y’s open swims were at 2pm when my kids were in school….on purpose.  So, NO THANK YOU.

4TH PLACE     FRESH FRUIT DELIVERY TO YOUR HOME ONCE A MONTH FOR 6 MONTHSfruit-basketThe only thing I’d do with this basket is make a Sangria or try & stomp the shit out of the grapes to create a libation.  Seriously?  I can snarf down an entire double batch of rice krispie treats.  Plus these things went from seed to picked fruit in 24 hours a la…………

image015IN ADDITION A FIT BIT TRACKER WILL BE RAFFLED OFF AT EACH LOCATION
image013

Again, aah NO. You all don’t need one either because every time you all walk past my office window (an interior window that looks like a McDonalds take out window), I click my “vintage” counter.  No one is tracking my last steps on earth OR MY LOCATION – probably a little chip inside is watching all of yous locations!

Then a note to the Administrator & then some I sent this to:

Don’t worry – I didn’t put in for overtime to crank this out. Sometimes I just gotta release the sarciotic.  It’s like having a massage for the brain.  Bless yous all. ❤

And since everybody’s offended by every little thing…except me because I truly don’t give a shit, here’s the most brilliantly written blurb from Freecycle of all people:

“Before you wish a Merry Christmas, you might want to consider a more politically correct statement:

—-Festive Greetings—- Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. In addition, please also accept our best wishes for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2017, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make this country great (not to imply that this country is necessarily greater than any other country or area of choice), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual orientation of the wishers. This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. ‘Holiday’ is not intended to, nor shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack thereof). Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher actually to implement any of the wishes for the wisher her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation or non-implementation of it. This greeting is void where prohibited by law.  

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!  TO ALL OTHERS-FESTIVE GREETINGS (if applicable)”

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas, Festive Greetings, Happy Holidays or whatever the hell you celebrate.  If you’re blessed, count your blessings.  And, lighten up in 2017.  It’s the year of re-purposing.  Below is only the beginning of my inappropriate Pinterest projects.  Place setting markers using our garden harvested carrots, wire, and  a recycled wine cork.garden-carrots


 

 

 

and Voila!pinterest

‘Tis the….Seasonal Affective Disorder

dick-in-a-truck

For my dear friend’s daughter who asked me to write about dysfunctional holidays and another friend who was just bitching to me today about Asshole drivers.

The holiday season brings it on for everyone.  It brings it alright.  By Labor Day, we’ve already lost what feels like 4 hours of daylight.  With less daylight, it brings SAD people who  (Seasonal Affective Disorder) start sleeping more, peopling less, with ZERO ambition.  It’s almost as if our bodies are preparing for winter hibernation. Add to that, the big store chains are already setting up for Christmas.  That alone brings on a host of emotions, not necessarily all Merry & Bright especially for families who’ve lost a loved one, can’t provide the “Lifetime Movie T.V. image” Christmas, among the hundreds of other valid reasons.

I’m certain I’m not alone in identifying the bizarre, frenetic, and psychotic behavior of people throughout the year, with an even thicker concentration of it from November through January 1st.  Let’s review a few categories that take a hit:

Driving:  Almost everyone in the Northeast is always rushing no matter what time of year, but Thanksgiving to New Year’s …. holy shit!  I had my first experience with HORRENDOUS HOLIDAY drivers a few years ago when I had my blinker on to make a left turn into a driveway and a woman was in such a hurry (not to mention a stupid A-hole), she tried to pass me on the left as my car was turning……LEFT.  No one is paying attention this time of year, and cell phones triple your chances.  Even when you stay behind the line at a light or stop sign, you can lose your entire front end and then some.  Crosswalks mean absolutely nothing in our town.  If anything, drivers speed up like you’re target practice.  I was shocked years ago that residents in upstate Connecticut and New York actually stopped at crosswalks and allow you to walk.  It was so foreign to me.  Everyone is in a rush to get to important places liiiiiiike……

Squeezing in a manicure before the school bus arrives.  As the observer I am, a lumberjack-type women bounded in my local nail salon looking like she just finished stacking and caulking a log cabin by herself.  No salutation, just a quick scan of filled chairs and a “How long is this gonna take? And, I need a lip wax.” Hunny, you need more than a lip wax.  You may want to visit the great and powerful Oz and hit up the Wash & Brush Company…..repeatedly.  You may even wish to consider requesting the same service as the Cowardly Lion.  There was no please or thank you.  Next to me was another women who got quite snotty when the owner was trying to help her with her purse and belongings on the way to the nail dryer. She snipped, “I’ll take it.”  Nope…not even a, “thank you, I’ve got it.” Like he’s really gonna heist your bag in his own establishment, Bitch?  Last but not least, the sweet masseuse asks another woman, “You like massage?” Her answer, “No.” Not a, “No thank you.” Not a, “Not today, but thank you.”  Just a barking NO.   I realize we’re all trying to re-balance after the election that went down in history as the most immature, inappropriate, shady, corrupt, you name it, but hell’s bells….it’s as if a gigantic wad of mankind shit out all their respect and manners. WTF?

Grocery Stores:  Like cars, some people shouldn’t be allowed to commandeer a shopping cart down those narrow isles. Ever.  My all-time favorite haunt is what we refer to as the “League of Nations.”  It’s a Shoprite in the next town over where you can be run over with a cart by an entire family fleet from South/Central America.  The beauty of the League is I rarely run into anyone I know; and Spanish is the 1st language so if they’re talking smack about me, I don’t know.  I’ve had to begin frequenting the League more often because my local grocery store’s last batch of hires hate their job, hate people, hate life.  One day there was 3-4 employees bullshitting behind the cold cut counter, while a hunched over 80-year-old employee was spearing rotisserie chickens.  They see us, ignore us, walk into the back to continue their B.S. session, but when I whispered to the guy next to me that we just got snubbed, the big he/she barked, “We’ll be right with you!” giving me the hairy eye.  Oh, hell no!  I grabbed the day old pre-cut shit out of the case and the Neanderthal didn’t return to packing MEAT until he/she saw me in the cereal isle.  There was no F’ing way I was gonna let he/she spit on my Land ‘O Lakes cheese.

Which brings me to I’m an F’ing delightful customer.  I say please and thank you probably to an annoying level.  I bag my own groceries because I enjoy it.  I’m always pleasant and trusting until you screw me.  Recently, I got this young, petite, freaky yellow-toned corn-rowed, resting-bitch-face checker.  Nasty doesn’t even begin to describe her attitude.  No hello, but clearly pissed off I handed her my Stop ‘n Shop scan card.  I bagged my own stuff as usual.  I decided to save myself some time by getting $80 cash back instead of hitting an ATM.  I don’t usually count my cash back because I always want to be trusting; but for some reason the resting-bitch-face made no eye contact when she shoved the money at me so I counted the cash and saw she stiffed me out of a 20.  When I called her out on it, she didn’t look up, told me I had to wait because she had quickly started the order after me.  When the little snot finally handed me the 20, she did it with no remorse, no apology, no eye contact.  I’ve only seen her one time since, and for as much as I frequent that place, I’m guessing petite resting-bitch-face quit or was hopefully shit canned.  Glory Be because she wasn’t peopling well.

To sum it up, for whatever reason, the Holiday season means different things to everyone and emotions can range from ultimate dread to blissful joy.  Holidays can be a grim reminder of happier times especially for the elderly propped in beds/chairs, of loved ones who can’t or won’t be with us during this supposed “joyful” season.  On the flip side, there’s the upbeat, hopeful energy of the newly married generation looking forward to cutting their first tree or their baby’s first Christmas or Hanukkah.  Holidays, just as everything in life has its checks and balances.

I work with someone close to retirement age who starts wearing her snowman turtlenecks/Xmas fleece the minute the thermometer drops below 75.  This year she’s doing some kind of daily Where’s the Hershey Bar today” photos.  The Hershey Bar could be with some of her Christmas figurines, tucked in a yule log – kinda like finding Waldo.  She takes Thanksgiving week off to decorate for Christmas and gets her picture taken with Santa. The minute Christmas is over, she starts posting the countdown of how many days until the next Christmas (she knows this makes me crazy).  So, as the sarciotic I am, I retaliate with…. 

It’s all in good spirit, and perhaps we should all lighten up a little and play hide the salami. Maybe we should kindly call out individuals who are being rude and manner-less to other people.  Maybe we should all take a personal assessment of our own manners and behavior and not be an asshole.

Just remember this particular holiday requires a lot of time, attention, stamina, and shit tons of money.  If your family and friends contribute in any way in making your holiday Merry & Bright, acknowledge it.  Say thank you because the day will come when you look back and wish for a replay, and there are no replays.

Wishing you all nice store clerks, a peaceful online shopping experience, and a truly blessed holiday season, and please watch out and don’t be an asshole driver.