Well, well, well. I kinda, sorta hate being that annoying bitch that says I told you so, but in my deranged circle of friends, being that bitch is an esteemed label; as highly regarded as our twisted One Upper game regaling Fucktard of the day stories.
So. A year ago I posted about a “friend” and her dilemma with full-on fishing line popping through her C-section shelf. For anyone who’s had a C-section, don’t lie here, you are quite familiar with the “shelving unit” above the incision that just morphs all by itself. It’s basically the left over baby blubber that inhales every fucking carbohydrate and piece of chocolate you put in your mouth, and expands until it just about resembles a mini bar. If you didn’t have a C-section and you still got that shelf thing going on, that’s what I refer to as a Stajina (pronounced Sta-Ji-Na) or the flubber that flaps over your vagina.
So. I will obnoxiously re-post the original story of this friend’s non-dissolving 18-year-old sutures because that’s the type of fun-loving, snarky, soothsayer friend I am.
And, here we are a year later and guess who had to get a tummy tuck almost to the day of last year’s post prediction? After the doctor’s disbelief, I suppose he felt it was a good idea to roto-rooter her out since it would make sense to see what the hell was left in there nearly 2 decades ago. As ya’s know, it’s all about liability now-a-days – gotta blame somebody. Since the Nip ‘N Tuck, her new nickname is Joanie, short for Joan Rivers. I don’t know how much chum & fish netting was in there, but if one would venture to guess, the bow of her womb-boat resembled something like head cheese:
After three solid weeks of wearing a full body girdle with an express hole for bodily evacuation functions, Joanie showed us her incision. Gag. The surgeon peeled her flubber back from one hip to the other; kinda like how you open a can of sardines. And, oooh, that new man-made belly button should be adorned with a nice piercing with….I don’t know the Fuck what kind of ornamental accoutrement. All’s I know is Joanie is very much resembling the Stepford wives in our town. I’m referring to the cult of breastis & butt cheek implanted blondes in Lululemon yoga pants sipping pumpkin lattes (Naturally organic, Non-GMO, skim milk please, freshly extracted pumpkin).
Bless you Joanie and your newly acquired immaculate can of sardines that I just can’t “unsee.”
P.S. tummy tucks are like a C-Section but 6-8 inches worst and there’s no bundle of burping and shitting joy to bring home. Needless to say, I’m probably gonna get in deep shit for making her laugh recapping this while she’s healing, and using her photo of “head cheese” against her. Then again, she’ll be as svelt as Joan River’s 30th body nip ‘n tuck so Fooka her.
#30JoanRiversbodyenhancements
The original post:
https://thewordaccordingtobehoxie.com/2015/09/21/c-sections-the-gift-that-keeps-on-giving/
The Word According to Be Hoxie (Hok-see) 