Happy Holidays to all. I know I have my own special version of the Annual Christmas letter drafted somewhere in my computer files, but I came across this little ditty while searching for it.
There was a time I was receiving these “inspirational” emails by the dozens each week, and it’s fair to say I finally lost my shit. This particular one came late on a Friday afternoon at work. Not only was my mind checked out of work for the week; I sure as hell didn’t want to have to send this F’ing thing to 10 people within 10 minutes or have 7 years bad luck.
As I began reading it and the pissy-ness of having to forward it was building, my fingers took flight on the keyboard and began vomiting responses for each statement. I’m sure you’ll figure out mine are in red, and I did forward it to my 10 people before the 10 minute expiration that would turn my life to shit for 7 years.
Inner Peace: This is so true
If you can start the day without caffeine,
I haven’t started a day without caffeine for over 40 years. What the hell do you think would happen to my bloodstream? I’d go into a catatonic state within 24 hours and then who would feed Jesus? Huh? Huh?
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
Kind of hard when your friends want to do the Brazilian Butt Lift DVD and you have hemorrhoids. Gotta do some explaining there….
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If FAMILY and friends weren’t such assholes, we wouldn’t have to complain & bore others with our stories now would we? Not our problem. You don’t want to listen to my problems, go F yourself. I hate you.
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
At this stage in our lives, we’re pretty much sick of every food category (we’re old & heading towards straight tapioca); F’ing sick of cooking everything for the young & old bastards, and we’re so fed up we eat the same shit so…..WHATEVER.
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
Yea, but it was okay for all those years when you dropped everything, put a booty call aside, a manicure, a mini trip aside to accommodate the little fuckerzzzz. Then all of a sudden they get a life and THEY’RE TOO BUSY? F them & the horse they rode in on.
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
Oh, screw that. I’m not going to learn from criticism or blame now. Resentment keeps the little fuckerzzz from communicating with me again. Like that’s a bad thing? Set those bridges ablaze! It’s called harmony in my world.
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
Not when you end up in the E.R. for eating cookies laced with shit and you go into Defib. F that too. My goal IS medical help. Like in a place with rolling hills & streams, tapioca & happy hour.
If you can relax without alcohol,
Again, are you F‘ing KIDDING ME? Name someone. Chances are if you can, they’re in a program because they’re stressed out from not drinking!
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
YOU CAN’T BE F’ing SERIOUS HERE EITHER!!!!!! Hello????? Mentalpause. Some Asshole man must’ve wrote this shit. Meds/alcohol are a winning combination past age of 40 and screw anyone who begs to differ. Come live at my house first asshole. You’ll be popping & sucking down booze faster than a sump pump.
Yea, nice rose. F’ing thorns. Thorn in my ass all of you. Have a spiritual F’ing day.
I guess my amp’d up, inappropriate version struck a chord with my people because I received immediate responses. One of which was, “Well, well, well … guess I won’t be forwarding that to anyone. Especially not my friend’s wife since she sent me the original version and I had the same “are you f’ing kidding me?” reflexive gag response. Platitudes like that are reserved for the wealthy, leisured class who drink plenty but don’t need alcohol to relax because they “enjoy” three things: MONEY, STAFF, and a DISTANT FAMILY they don’t give a shit about.”
Don’t get me wrong that I don’t appreciate a good quote from Mother Theresa or a meaningful passage from Maya Angelou or Erma Bombeck since my kitchen cabinets are coated with yellowed, curled corner copies of them. However, when you’ve reached a point in your life that you can scroll right past them on social media, you have achieved your inner peace and self knowing. You can agree or disagree, I really don’t give a shit. I have the inner peace knowing quotes tell all about a person’s life or lack thereof.
The Word According to Be Hoxie (Hok-see) 