This is my friend, MJ’s version of the “Maddie Looney” Christmas letter (see blog post ‘The Anal Braggadocious Christmas Letter’). Fair to say this one is on the complete other end of the spectrum of Maddie Looney’s. This would be the 911 Version and NEVER EVER SAY, “WHAT ELSE CAN HAPPEN?!?”
Happy New Year to All – WOW WEE 2014 has been quite a fulfilling year for me and my family. I started off 2014 with so many wonderful resolutions – and fulfilled NOT AN F’ING ONE of them. The first words on my Resolution paper was “This is the year of Me….the year of Mom.” I was going to take time for myself so I could keep myself happy and healthy. That shit didn’t work. It was year of the Mom alright.
January 2014– my son, Stephen, was invited on a hunting vacation with his girlfriend’s Father in Bainbridge, GA. On the final day of the trip, Stephen fell head first off of Chewy (Chewy being a horse, and not Chelsea Handler’s midget). He snapped his left forearm in half like a twig. One ambulance to Bainbridge Hospital and because one is never enough for our family, his ass was loaded onto ambulance #2 to Tallahassee FL trauma center. Naturally, when you snap your arm in half you require some nice titanium screws and a plate to put humpty back together again. Oh, it’s fair to mention that Stephen is “THE” middle child, mostly easygoing since I left his car seat on the roof a few times (or maybe that was #1 child). and I think I recall closing his head in the car window once. Don’t get me wrong, he pushes my buttons often and I need to take the weapon of ass destruction (the wooden spoon) to set him straight even at 6 feet tall, but I can still take the Mutha down. Also noteworthy is this wasn’t our first Rodeo with Stephen as he was a high school football player and had many injuries and operations. He had to return to his senior final semester at Roger Williams University. My Stevie is an honor student. 🙂 He flew home from the hunting trip on so many pain meds that he could have sprouted wings and actually flown himself. Two days later back in the homeland he had surgery because Lord knows if he had it down in the South, he’d come out of surgery in a permanent salute stance. The Southerners aren’t big fans of the Yankees and us Yankees only want our own people touching them. So…..3 hours of surgery, 2 titanium plates, 17 screws and multiple viewings of his bionic x-rays. Stephen was awarded the family medical award for the year since he reminded me that he was the sole reason we met our insurance deductible within a month of the new year. He recovered nicely and is back in action for the remainder of the year. Yea for Stephen! Go dude!
February – my darling husband, Gary, was having some shoulder pain only to find out he needed rotator cuff surgery. This is the worst and most painful of surgeries might I add, and he was miserable for days leading up to the surgery….. lucky, lucky me. Guess what happens when you’re down an arm or shoulder and can’t move it, I get to dress you, wipe your ass, put your socks and shoes on. This is exactly what I pictured doing in the “year of me.” Wiping my husband’s ass…..
March – My mother resides in an upscale nursing facility. One that supposedly has trained employees watching her every move. Take note: mechanical recliners can be lethal. One push of the button and my Mother was catapulted like a human sling shot face planted onto the floor. Soooo….guess where I had to report to as the only daughter. None other than the crazier ‘n shit Norwalk Hospital ER. This was visit 12+ with Momma over the last 5 years. After the baker’s dozen, I just stopped counting that shit. I am no stranger to the ins and outs of these wonderful establishments.
Honestly, with all the training I’ve received in just my family alone, I still wonder why I’m not a nurse or work in a hospital. If nothing else, I should be getting frequent fucking flyer miles or a family discount package, and definitely an assigned parking space. I am also Momma’s weekly Chinese laundry service. I pick up and I deliver. You know how young children rub their blankies or woobies, well elderly people have adult woobies. It’s called thousands of Kleenex. Kleenex stuck up sleeves, in bosoms, pockets, in elastic waistbands, and you know what happens when you don’t want to put your hand in any of their clothing for fear of touching some bodily fluid that might make you shart yourself just as they sharted. Then there’s always the powder-like dead skin that collects in the crevices. You get 5 lbs of Kleenex stuck to an entire load of laundry and have to spend 30 minutes picking it off. I have washed and dried more Kleenex than I care to count. It’s another wonder how my dryer hasn’t caught on fire yet.
April – Spring has arrived and shockingly all was calm on the home front. I was thanking the stars and moons above that I could finally start working on ME.
I get a phone call from my daughter Kay who is in Rhode Island working a shift on the Charlestown Ambulance. My first born, Kay, High Honors graduate of Albertus Magnus with a degree in Art Therapy. After graduation she decided that she wanted to do something in the medical field so she went on to get her EMT License and CMA License. One day I looked in her wallet and she has more licenses than the damn DMV and more certificates than handed out on graduation day. Anyway, she calls to tell me that her throat is purple and there are balls the size of golf balls in her throat and she was running a fever. She was on her way to the local walk-in clinic to get it checked out. She drove home after that and I took one look at her and the purple hemorrhoid looking things growing on her epiglottis and knew we had to go. We went straight to her Doctor who was also baffled and amused of these grapes growing on my daughter’s throat. Weeks and weeks of multiple medications, and she was finally on the mend. Our Kay is 25 years old and obviously could have driven herself to this appointment, but the co-dependent and enabling mother I am, couldn’t let her drive herself for fear she’d be pulled over with throat hemorrhoids.
May – With the excitement of #2 child graduating and me realizing I now have two children that have completed college, I was thrilled that the payments were coming to an end. Now I can spend some time on me, but with the first week of Stephen being home I realized that my washing machine wasn’t going to meet the life span indicated by the manufacturer nor was I. Having all three children home, two of which who had been out on their own, brought with it such a wonderful rollercoaster of evil emotion. At the end of May, I got awakened in the middle of the night by Stephen who is shaking uncontrollably and can’t express how he feels. We wake the EMT sister up to check him out and she finds his BP is elevated and we can’t figure out what going on. Thus, VISIT #4 to the Norwalk ER. Blood work and test galore only to find out it was probably something viral so they send us on our way after a 5 hour stay. At this point I have come to the conclusion that nothing is every urgent in an Emergency Room and your average stay is 4-5 hours.
June – I love June and look forward to that month because I know I will be spending time in RI with my BFF, the gals, the Dolls – one full week of drinking, beaching and laughing. This year my dear friend, Barb, purchased Earth, Wind & Fire tickets for all of us to enjoy. I have to say Barb, Beth, Donna and I had the most relaxing time. During the week, I received one phone call from K saying that she feels like her stomach is going explode. I instructed here to go to the ER and seek medical attention. Something she should have thought of on her own since she does work alongside of doctors every f’ing day, but nooooo……she waited until I came home. I met her one day in the Norwalk ER (my home away from home). In case you lost track that’s VISIT #5. Since she was employee, she got to pass and go directly to an ER room; one of the perks of working in the hospital. My first day back to work, walk in the door and turned around lasso my horse and head to meet her in the ER.
July – My brother and his family where coming to town from AZ and I thought it would be nice since Steve had just graduated why not have a party. It was on a Thursday night even though I had worked a full day I had a party for 40+ people so I could accommodate his weekend fishing schedule. You might ask yourself at this point why accommodate your children, have they ever accommodated us? That’s just what we do. All during the party planning and the setup, Kay (the CNA @Norwalk Hospital) had been battling a stomach issue for well over a month was scheduled to have a medical procedure because of it. The party was a hit and we move onto the next adventure while Peter is here. We clean up and leave for RI the next day. It’s like cramming 5 pounds of shit in a two-pound bag. We only have 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom in our RI home. 4 Adults and 3 kids, but we always make it work. My brain storming idea was why not have my other two brothers and their family up to RI Sunday for the day and spend a nice day at the beach and end with a family cookout. One drunk boyfriend, one yard anchor, two dirt bikes, three hospitals. Yes, K decided to bring the boy she was dating at the time (also and employee of ours….I reserve comment). Anyway they show up for the day with his mother and boyfriend in tow. Our nice little barbecue and cocktails for 19 on the deck turned into yet another Rodeo. The dirt bike collision – Nine hours spent in hospitals, yes hospitals because as you now know one is never enough. One broken nose, one broken arm, and one broken ego. Mother does know best, and you should always listen to your mother about dating someone who works for us.
August – Here I thought I was going to have a nice peaceful August when I had a full blown anxiety attack on the beach in RI – at that point I had text my girls to which they all replied DRINK VODKA. I did, and it worked. Score one for MJ. Yea, it’s ME time. NOT.
September – Just when I thought it was over, I contract some weird ass intestinal infection, which caused me to have all sorts of things coming out of my body. I, me, for the FIRST time in my life, ended up in the ER totally dehydrated and weird shit happening. My 3 hour waiting room time just added to my anxiety. The med prescribed caused me to have head spins, vertigo, dry mouth, loss of appetite. This started my quest to find out what is wrong with me. My dear friend told me that it was the 8 month of bullshit coming out of my mouth and my ass. I think she’s right BUT continue to try and find out what in the Hell is happening to me. I thought I was a special person. After all, I made it 40 years without so much as a bee sting, and never a hospital visit outside of spitting out kids. SPECIAL my ass – 1 more ER visit, 3 Dr. Appointments. Could anything else happen? Of course it could. It’s an Italian thing to NEVER, EVER say, “What else could happen?” Idiot. It was a ME day, and I was heading to the last beach day with the biddies. Instead, #2 child, Steve, cut off the tip of his finger and back to the ER we go. Since I’m a kind person and likes to spread the wealth, we go to the Tully Immediate Care instead of Norwalk or Stamford ER. He got his fingertip glued back on. I went home and wanted to drink, but sadly I was still taking meds for my issues and any drop of alcohol would make me start spewing shit up. So, instead I sat home in my favorite chair and cried.
October – I was just starting to feel a little bit better. I had gone months not telling anyone exactly how I felt which was like shit. On October 31, I drive to work like any other day and when I get out of the car I just simply can’t stand up. My back went out. I spend two weeks walking around like an osteoporosis 90 year old popping Advil like jelly beans. At this point, I started opening my mouth to any pill anyone would give me. Two more doctor visits and heading for junkie-ville.
November – By Thanksgiving I’m still nursing my back and decide I just can’t stand my dizzy head any longer only to find out the double doses of Advil I was taking for my back had caused my head to start spinning and the tinnitus ringing in my ears is in full force driving me crazy. The nice doctor gave me a nice shot to put my spine to sleep so I could prepare, shop, cook, serve, clean up to make sure my family had a Happy Thanksgiving and a Very Merry Christmas. I hope they did because if not, I don’t really give a shit.
My New Year’s resolution 2015 – I’m not saying one fucking thing. Well, it turned out that MJ didn’t have to say anything.
On January 1, 2015, at 8:30 am, I took a picture of the original “Maddie Looney” Christmas letter to make MJ jealous that we were reading it while drinking our Girl Scout coffees, and you know where MJ was? YUP, the Norwalk Hospital ER. Awakened by her husband New Year’s morning with shortness of breath and symptoms of a heart attack. Gary was fine, and they met their medical deductible the very first day of the new year!
MJ’s Year in #’s
Visits to the ER – 9
Kids married – zero
Kids living at home – 3
Kids I want out of the house – 2
Kids in College – zero
Kids Graduated College – 2
Kids in High School – 1
Kids working – 1
Kids looking not so hard for a job – 2
Times wiped up dog pee – 10
Teenage drivers – 1
Shoulder surgeries – 1
Arm Surgeries – 1
Hours giving advice – countless
Askholes in my life – countless
Hours spent sending meaningful quotes – countless
Phone calls from my mother -1095
Emergency calls from Nursing home – 10
Cars keyed by psycho neighbor – 1
# of times bitchy neighbor called cops for running car engine – 3
# of times bitchy neighbor called cops for shoveling snow – 3
# of times pot smoke waifed from neighbor’s house – countless
Times checked on Uncle Joey because shade wasn’t up – 10
Times checked on Uncle Joey because no one else does – 52+
Orthodontic visits – 6
Outboard motors winterized – 450
Miles driven to work – hundreds
# of text messages – countless
Trips to Pilates class – Zero
Trips to airports – not enough
Broken noses – 1
Broken bones – 2
Number of Gluten Free pills taken – countless
Number of laundry loads – 780
Number of concerts attended – 10
Number of trips to RI with the gals – 2
Hours spent asking if homework is done – countless
Hours spent asking not to text at the dinner table – countless
PT appointments – countless
Dr. Copays – Countless
Meal prepared – 1000 plus
Pizza ordered – at least 105
First wok ordered – 25
Happy Hours hosted at my house – countless
Number of Liquor bottles recycled – countless
Number of Xanax consumed – countless
Number of Reiki/Massage healings – countless
Annual grocery expenses – $$$$$ countless
Bottles of Wine and Vodka consumed – COUNTLESS
Stock tips had I only known
Kleenex, band aid brand, Emergency Equipment, Iphone, Tide, Palmers, Stop & Shop, Shop Rite, All Distilleries
The Word According to Be Hoxie (Hok-see) 