Month: December 2015

Happy Holidays to all.  I know I have my own special version of the Annual Christmas letter drafted somewhere in my computer files, but I came across this little ditty while searching for it.

 

There was a time I was receiving these “inspirational” emails by the dozens each week, and it’s fair to say I finally lost my shit.  This particular one came late on a Friday afternoon at work.  Not only was my mind checked out of work for the week; I sure as hell didn’t want to have to send this F’ing thing to 10 people within 10 minutes or have 7 years bad luck.

As I began reading it and the pissy-ness of having to forward it was building, my fingers took flight on the keyboard and began vomiting responses for each statement.  I’m sure you’ll figure out mine are in red,  and I did forward it to my 10 people before the 10 minute expiration that would turn my life to shit for 7 years.

Inner Peace: This is so true

If you can start the day without caffeine,

I haven’t started a day without caffeine for over 40 years.  What the hell do you think would happen to my bloodstream?  I’d go into a catatonic state within 24 hours and then who would feed  Jesus?  Huh?  Huh?

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

Kind of hard when your friends want to do the Brazilian Butt Lift DVD and you have hemorrhoids.  Gotta do some explaining there….

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If FAMILY and friends weren’t such assholes, we wouldn’t have to complain & bore others with our stories now would we?  Not our problem.  You don’t want to listen to my problems, go F yourself. I hate you.

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

At this stage in our lives, we’re pretty much sick of every food category (we’re old & heading towards straight tapioca); F’ing sick of cooking everything for the young & old bastards, and we’re so fed up we eat the same shit so…..WHATEVER.

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

Yea, but it was okay for all those years when you dropped everything, put a booty call aside, a manicure, a mini trip aside to accommodate the little fuckerzzzz.  Then all of a sudden they get a life and THEY’RE TOO BUSY? F them & the horse they rode in on.

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

Oh, screw that.  I’m not going to learn from criticism or blame now.  Resentment keeps the little fuckerzzz from communicating with me again.  Like that’s a bad thing? Set those bridges ablaze!  It’s called harmony in my world.

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

Not when you end up in the E.R. for eating cookies laced with shit and you go into Defib.  F that too.  My goal IS medical help.  Like in a place with rolling hills & streams, tapioca & happy hour.

If you can relax without alcohol,

Again, are you F‘ing KIDDING ME?  Name someone.  Chances are if you can, they’re in a program because they’re stressed out from not drinking!

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

YOU CAN’T BE F’ing SERIOUS HERE EITHER!!!!!!  Hello????? Mentalpause.  Some Asshole man must’ve wrote this shit. Meds/alcohol are a winning combination past age of 40 and screw anyone who begs to differ.  Come live at my house first asshole.  You’ll be popping & sucking down booze faster than a sump pump.

Yea, nice rose.  F’ing thorns.  Thorn in my ass all of you.  Have a spiritual F’ing day.

I guess my amp’d up, inappropriate version struck a chord with my people because I received immediate responses.  One of which was, “Well, well, well … guess I won’t be forwarding that to anyone.  Especially not my friend’s wife since she sent me the original version and I had the same “are you f’ing kidding me?” reflexive gag response.  Platitudes like that are reserved for the wealthy, leisured class who drink plenty but don’t need alcohol to relax because they “enjoy” three things: MONEY, STAFF, and a DISTANT FAMILY they don’t give a shit about.”

Don’t get me wrong that I don’t appreciate a good quote from Mother Theresa or a meaningful passage from Maya Angelou or Erma Bombeck since my kitchen cabinets are coated with yellowed, curled corner copies of them.  However, when you’ve reached a point in your life that you can scroll right past them on social media, you have achieved your inner peace and self knowing.  You can agree or disagree, I really don’t give a shit.  I have the inner peace knowing quotes tell all about a person’s life or lack thereof.

This is my friend, MJ’s version of the “Maddie Looney” Christmas letter (see blog post ‘The Anal Braggadocious Christmas Letter’).  Fair to say this one is on the complete other end of the spectrum of Maddie Looney’s.  This would be the 911 Version and NEVER EVER SAY, “WHAT ELSE CAN HAPPEN?!?”

Happy New Year to All – WOW WEE 2014 has been quite a fulfilling year for me and my family.  I started off 2014 with so many wonderful resolutions – and fulfilled NOT AN F’ING ONE of them.  The first words on my Resolution paper was “This is the year of Me….the year of Mom.”  I was going to take time for myself so I could keep myself happy and healthy. That shit didn’t work.  It was year of the Mom alright.

January 2014– my son, Stephen, was invited on a hunting vacation with his girlfriend’s Father in Bainbridge, GA.  On the final day of the trip, Stephen fell head first off of Chewy (Chewy being a horse, and not Chelsea Handler’s midget).  He snapped his left forearm in half like a twig.  One ambulance to Bainbridge Hospital and because one is never enough for our family, his ass was loaded onto ambulance #2 to Tallahassee FL trauma center.  Naturally, when you snap your arm in half you require some nice titanium screws and a plate to put humpty back together again.  Oh, it’s fair to mention that Stephen is “THE” middle child, mostly easygoing since I left his car seat on the roof a few times (or maybe that was #1 child). and I think I recall closing his head in the car window once.   Don’t get me wrong, he pushes my buttons often and I need to take the weapon of ass destruction (the wooden spoon) to set him straight even at 6 feet tall, but I can still take the Mutha down.  Also noteworthy is this wasn’t our first Rodeo with Stephen as he was a high school football player and had many injuries and operations.  He had to return to his senior final semester at Roger Williams University.  My Stevie is an honor student. 🙂  He flew home from the hunting trip on so many pain meds that he could have sprouted wings and actually flown himself.  Two days later back in the homeland he had surgery because Lord knows if he had it down in the South, he’d come out of surgery in a permanent salute stance.  The Southerners aren’t big fans of the Yankees and us Yankees only want our own people touching them.  So…..3 hours of surgery, 2 titanium plates, 17 screws and multiple viewings of his bionic x-rays.  Stephen was awarded the family medical award for the year since he reminded me that he was the sole reason we met our insurance deductible within a month of the new year.  He recovered nicely and is back in action for the remainder of the year. Yea for Stephen!  Go dude!

February – my darling husband, Gary, was having some shoulder pain only to find out he needed rotator cuff surgery.  This is the worst and most painful of surgeries might I add, and he was miserable for days leading up to the surgery….. lucky, lucky me. Guess what happens when you’re down an arm or shoulder and can’t move it,  I get to dress you, wipe your ass, put your socks and shoes on.  This is exactly what I pictured doing in the “year of me.”  Wiping my husband’s ass…..

March – My mother resides in an upscale nursing facility.  One that supposedly has trained employees watching her every move.  Take note: mechanical recliners can be lethal.  One push of the button and my Mother was catapulted like a human sling shot face planted onto the floor.   Soooo….guess where I had to report to as the only daughter.  None other than the crazier ‘n shit Norwalk Hospital ER.  This was visit 12+ with Momma over the last 5 years.  After the baker’s dozen, I just stopped counting that shit.  I am no stranger to the ins and outs of these wonderful establishments.

Honestly, with all the training I’ve received in just my family alone,  I still wonder why I’m not a nurse or work in a hospital.  If nothing else, I should be getting frequent fucking flyer miles or a family discount package, and definitely an assigned parking space.  I am also Momma’s weekly Chinese laundry service.  I pick up and I deliver.  You know how young children rub their blankies or woobies, well elderly people have adult woobies.  It’s called thousands of Kleenex.  Kleenex stuck up sleeves, in bosoms, pockets, in elastic waistbands, and you know what happens when you don’t want to put your hand in any of their clothing for fear of touching some bodily fluid that might make you shart yourself just as they sharted.  Then there’s always the powder-like dead skin that collects in the crevices.  You get 5 lbs of Kleenex stuck to an entire load of laundry and have to spend 30 minutes picking it off.  I have washed and dried more Kleenex than I care to count.  It’s another wonder how my dryer hasn’t caught on fire yet.

April – Spring  has arrived and shockingly all was calm on the home front.  I was thanking the stars and moons above that I could finally start working on ME.

I get a phone call from my daughter Kay who is in Rhode Island working a shift on the Charlestown Ambulance.  My first born, Kay, High Honors graduate of Albertus Magnus with a degree in Art Therapy.  After graduation she decided that she wanted to do something in the medical field so she went on to get her EMT License and CMA License.  One day I looked in her wallet and she has more licenses than the damn DMV and more certificates than handed out on graduation day.  Anyway, she calls to tell me that her throat is purple and there are balls the size of golf balls in her throat and she was running a fever.  She was on her way to the local walk-in clinic to get it checked out.  She drove home after that and I took one look at her and the purple hemorrhoid looking things growing on her epiglottis and knew we had to go.  We went straight to her Doctor who was also baffled and amused of these grapes growing on my daughter’s throat.  Weeks and weeks of multiple medications, and she was finally on the mend.   Our Kay is 25 years old and obviously could have driven herself to this appointment, but the co-dependent and enabling mother I am, couldn’t let her drive herself for fear she’d be pulled over with throat hemorrhoids.

May – With the excitement of #2 child graduating and me realizing I now have two children that have completed college, I was thrilled that the payments were coming to an end.  Now I can spend some time on me, but with the first week of Stephen being home I realized that my washing machine wasn’t going to meet the life span indicated by the manufacturer nor was I.  Having all three children home, two of which who had been out on their own, brought with it such a wonderful rollercoaster of evil emotion.  At the end of May, I got awakened in the middle of the night by Stephen who is shaking uncontrollably and can’t express how he feels.  We wake the EMT sister up to check him out and she finds his BP is elevated and we can’t figure out what going on.  Thus, VISIT #4 to the Norwalk ER.  Blood work and test galore only to find out it was probably something viral so they send us on our way after a 5 hour stay.  At this point I have come to the conclusion that nothing is every urgent in an Emergency Room and your average stay is 4-5 hours.

June – I love June and look forward to that month because I know I will be spending time in RI with my BFF, the gals, the Dolls – one full week of drinking, beaching and laughing.  This year my dear friend, Barb, purchased Earth, Wind & Fire tickets for all of us to enjoy.  I have to say Barb, Beth, Donna and I had the most relaxing time.  During the week, I received one phone call from K saying that she feels like her stomach is going explode.  I instructed here to go to the ER and seek medical attention.  Something she should have thought of on her own since she does work alongside of doctors every f’ing day, but nooooo……she waited until I came home.   I met her one day in the Norwalk ER (my home away from home). In case you lost track that’s VISIT #5.   Since she was employee, she got to pass and go directly to an ER room; one of the perks of working in the hospital.  My first day back to work, walk in the door and turned around lasso my horse and head to meet her in the ER.

July – My brother and his family where coming to town from AZ and I thought it would be nice since Steve had just graduated why not have a party.  It was on a Thursday night even though I had worked a full day I had a party for 40+ people so I could accommodate his weekend fishing schedule.  You might ask yourself at this point why accommodate your children, have they ever accommodated us?  That’s just what we do.  All during  the party planning  and the setup, Kay (the CNA @Norwalk Hospital) had been battling a stomach issue for well over a month was scheduled to have a medical procedure because of it.  The party was a hit and we move onto the next adventure while Peter is here.  We clean up and leave for RI the next day.  It’s like cramming 5 pounds of shit in a two-pound bag.  We only have 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom in our RI home.  4 Adults and 3 kids, but we always make it work.  My brain storming idea was why not have my other two brothers and their family up to RI Sunday for the day and spend a nice day at the beach and end with a family cookout. One drunk boyfriend, one yard anchor, two dirt bikes, three hospitals.  Yes, K decided to bring the boy she was dating at the time (also and employee of ours….I reserve comment).   Anyway they show up for the day with his mother and boyfriend in tow.  Our nice little barbecue and cocktails for 19 on the deck turned into yet another Rodeo.  The dirt bike collision – Nine hours spent in hospitals, yes hospitals because as you now know one is never enough.  One broken nose, one broken arm, and one broken ego.  Mother does know best, and you should always listen to your mother about dating someone who works for us.

August – Here I thought I was going to have a nice peaceful August when I had a full blown anxiety attack on the beach in RI – at that point I had text my girls to which they all replied DRINK VODKA.  I did, and it worked.  Score one for MJ.  Yea, it’s ME time.  NOT.

September – Just when I thought it was over, I contract some weird ass intestinal infection, which caused me to have all sorts of things coming out of my body.  I, me, for the FIRST time in my life, ended up in the ER totally dehydrated and weird shit happening.  My 3 hour waiting room time just added to my anxiety. The med prescribed caused me to have head spins, vertigo, dry mouth, loss of appetite.  This started my quest to find out what is wrong with me.  My dear friend told me that it was the 8 month of bullshit coming out of my mouth and my ass.  I think she’s right BUT continue to try and find out what in the Hell is happening to me.  I thought I was a special person. After all, I made it 40 years without so much as a bee sting, and never a hospital visit outside of spitting out kids.  SPECIAL my ass – 1 more ER visit, 3 Dr. Appointments.  Could anything else happen? Of course it could.  It’s an Italian thing to NEVER, EVER say, “What else could happen?”  Idiot.  It was a ME day, and I was heading to the last beach day with the biddies.  Instead, #2 child, Steve, cut off the tip of his finger and back to the ER we go.  Since I’m a kind person and likes to spread the wealth, we go to the Tully Immediate Care instead of Norwalk or Stamford ER.  He got his fingertip glued back on.  I went home and wanted to drink, but sadly I was still taking meds for my issues and any drop of alcohol would make me start spewing shit up.  So, instead I sat home in my favorite chair and cried.

October – I was just starting to feel a little bit better.  I had gone months not telling anyone exactly how I felt which was like shit.  On October 31, I drive to work like any other day and when I get out of the car I just simply can’t stand up.  My back went out.  I spend two weeks walking around like an osteoporosis 90 year old popping Advil like jelly beans.  At this point, I started opening my mouth to any pill anyone would give me.  Two more doctor visits and heading for junkie-ville.

November –  By Thanksgiving I’m still nursing my back and decide I just can’t stand my dizzy head any longer only to find out the double doses of Advil I was taking for my back had caused my head to start spinning and the tinnitus ringing in my ears is in full force driving me crazy.  The nice doctor gave me a nice shot to put my spine to sleep so I could prepare, shop, cook, serve, clean up to make sure my family had a Happy Thanksgiving and a Very Merry Christmas.  I hope they did because if not,  I don’t really give a shit.

My New Year’s resolution 2015 – I’m not saying one fucking thing.  Well, it turned out that MJ didn’t have to say anything. 

 On January 1, 2015, at 8:30 am, I took a picture of the original “Maddie Looney” Christmas letter to make MJ jealous that we were reading it while drinking our Girl Scout coffees, and you know where MJ was?  YUP, the Norwalk Hospital ER.  Awakened by her husband New Year’s morning with shortness of breath and symptoms of a heart attack.  Gary was fine, and they met their medical deductible the very first day of the new year!

 MJ’s Year in #’s

Visits to the ER – 9

Kids married – zero

Kids living at home – 3

Kids I want out of the house – 2

Kids in College – zero

Kids Graduated College – 2

Kids in High School – 1

Kids working – 1

Kids looking not so hard for a job – 2

Times wiped up dog pee – 10

Teenage drivers – 1

Shoulder surgeries – 1

Arm Surgeries – 1

Hours giving advice – countless

Askholes in my life – countless

Hours spent sending meaningful quotes – countless

Phone calls from my mother -1095

Emergency calls from Nursing home – 10

Cars keyed by psycho neighbor – 1

# of times bitchy neighbor called cops for running car engine – 3

# of times bitchy neighbor called cops for shoveling snow – 3

# of times pot smoke waifed from neighbor’s house – countless

Times checked on Uncle Joey because shade wasn’t up – 10

Times checked on Uncle Joey because no one else does – 52+

Orthodontic visits – 6

Outboard motors winterized – 450

Miles driven to work – hundreds

# of text messages – countless

Trips to Pilates class – Zero

Trips to airports – not enough

Broken noses – 1

Broken bones – 2

Number of Gluten Free pills taken – countless

Number of laundry loads – 780

Number of concerts attended – 10

Number of trips to RI with the gals – 2

Hours spent asking if homework is done – countless

Hours spent asking not to text at the dinner table – countless

PT appointments – countless

Dr. Copays – Countless

Meal prepared – 1000 plus

Pizza ordered – at least 105

First wok ordered – 25

Happy Hours hosted at my house – countless

Number of Liquor bottles recycled – countless

Number of Xanax consumed – countless

Number of Reiki/Massage healings – countless

Annual grocery expenses – $$$$$ countless

Bottles of Wine and Vodka consumed – COUNTLESS

Stock tips had I only known

Kleenex, band aid brand, Emergency Equipment, Iphone, Tide, Palmers, Stop & Shop, Shop Rite, All Distilleries

 

 

 

Yes, there are still families that publish the anal …. sorry  I meant annual family Christmas letter that makes you want to hurl.  Add to that, there’s the perfect family photo collages on both the front AND back side of the card.  Then there’s the card insert – a double-sided, size 8 font-need-CVS-magnifying glass-letter of each family member’s accomplishments for the year.  I have had the ultimate enjoyment to read this letter for the past 3+ years even though I have never met a single one of these people. However, I do feel as though I am now close enough to each of them to hold their hand while they’re having a colonoscopy since we’re butt buddies – they have set my ass ablaze with the amount of smoke they’ve blown up it.  The Italian term for this Type “A” personality is braggadocious aka Bragger.

Since this letter originates from another part of the U.S. and is sent here to the Nor’east swirling vortex of insanity each year, I am one of dozens who await the infamous Maddie Looney Xmas letter.  Last year I stooped to begging level to break into my friend’s home while they were away in order to get my hands on the letter, but nooooo.  Instead I was summoned over to my friend’s home at 8:30 a.m. on New Year’s morning after they had just landed 2 hours prior and me with minimal sleep as well.  Decked out in my P.J.’s, bed head, fleece slippers, I hauled ass over with the ingredients for Girl Scout coffees (recipe below) to partake in the traditional reading of “The Maddie Looney Letter.”

While we impatiently await this year’s accomplishments from the Looney’s, I hope you enjoy 2014’s letter as much as we all did.  Names & locations have been changed to protect their purity and flawless lives.  Asides from that, it’s completely authentic.  Remarks are in color – a compilation from many contributors of the sarcastic Nor’east, but many are mine.

Dear Friends & Family,

We hope that 2014 has been as generous to you as it has been to Clan Looney.  Keeping track of comings and goings in our household can sometimes be a challenge, but in the end we are glad to have been blessed with another happy, healthy, and wonderful year together.  The dynamics of the Looney household have also changed this year.  With Kevin going off to college this past Fall, Patrick is now the only male in the house!  Gone are the days of Sports Center, College Game Day and discussions about NFL Fantasy Football.  Instead T.V. shows like Dance Moms, One Tree Hill and Gossip Girl reign supreme.  When the lights go out, I bet Penisland.com and PornPerv.com reign supreme on the clan’s iPads under the down comforters.

Patrick and Maddie celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary this past November!  To celebrate, the entire crew spent the weekend after Thanksgiving at a resort.  We had the chance to partake in skeet shooting and paint ball as a family.  The girls got their nails done in the spa and the boys watched hours of football together.  It was a perfect anniversary celebration.  Maddie surprised everyone with her skill and ferocity with a shotgun!   She was a real natural.  (Excellent.  Let’s get you enlisted to take out ISIS with your paint ball ferocity) Patrick is finishing his second year as Interim/Acting Chair of Surgery at University Hospital.  The process is underway to remove the interim title – stay tuned for the formal announcement. We await that announcement with about as much excitement as an STD test! He also has taken to wearing bow ties and cowboy boots. If I had to guess, Paddy-me-boy is playing giddy up in a supply closet with a breastis enhanced nurse.  Sounds like a mid-life crisis if ever there was one. Or Paddy gots himself a butt buddy.  Maddie is amazing as always. Are you SHITTING ME? Did she seriously just gush about herself in the first person? As if she didn’t have enough already on her plate, Maddie agreed to be President of the Pinehurst Swim and Dive Booster Club.  Madame President (as Patrick and the kids like to call her) still keeps it all straight!  She’s the best!!!!!!!! OKAY, I WANT WHATEVER MEDS THIS BROAD IS ON!  She must have some rockin’ psychiatrist that ends her daily sessions with a tantric massage.

Now comes the blow-by-blow for all their perfect children.  I’m venturing to guess that the Irish rhythm method failed miserably for the Looney clan.

Birgitta, 23, a graduate student at Bucknell University-Birgitta has one more semester to go before she receives a master’s degree in Kinesiology (look it up, we had to) and is looking forward to a career as a swim coach when she finishes school.  Maddie was present at Brigitta’s last meet in March and watch with tears in her eyes as Brigitta won the final race of her career.  Brigitta is a volunteer graduate coach with the Bucky’s Women’s swim team.  She was named to the SEC Academic Honor Roll for the second straight year and received the prestigious Buck Spirit Award from the Bucknell Association of former students.(of course she did)  This past summer Brigitta visited Europe and made a stop in London.  Finally, her boyfriend (2 years) keeps her on her toes with his boundless energy. Oh, I bet he does especially when she’s on her tippy toes in the corner of a bathroom stall goin’ boink-a-boink.  She’s our inspiration 🙂 I’m sure she is, Maddie, I’m sure she is….all gumby-like. 

Riley, 22, a graduate student (4th year or red shirt senior at UVA)-Riley graduated from UVA this past spring with a Bachelor’s degree in Risk Management and Insurance.  He is currently enrolled in the School of Kinesiology (copy cat) obtaining a master’s degree in Sports Management.  He’s looking hard for an internship spot this summer!  Riley also made the SEC Academic Honor Roll, UVA Athletic Director’s Honor Roll and was name Co-President of the UVA Student-Athletic Advisory Committee this past August! (of course he is)

Callan, 20, a junior at University of Virginia made it back into the pool this past year after taking almost a year off to recover from back surgery.  His recovery has been nothing short of amazing (of course) as he qualified for the 2016 US Olympic Trials in the 400-meter IM this past summer. (of course he did)  He also continues to excel in the classroom. (of course he did) He was a recipient of the Rumsey Scholarship for Academic and Athletic Excellence (way to go dude!) and hopes to enroll in medical school after he graduates from UVA. (of course he does)

Kevin, almost 19, a freshman at Duke University-Kevin graduated from Pinehurst High School in May as an Honors Graduate. (of course he did) He enrolled at University this past Fall.  It doesn’t stop there though!  He trained incredibly hard over the summer and made the Duke Football Team as a walk-on.  Kevin was voted Offensive Scout Team Player of the Week for the Tulane game. (aka TWERKING Locker Room Bitch) He also has had a tremendous start academically at Duke finishing with a 3.5 GPA for his first semester.(of course he did)  We couldn’t be more proud of him! (of course you are)

Eilish, 16, a sophomore at Pinehurst HS-Eilish  continues to excel in and out of the swimming pool (of course).   This past Spring Eilish was the County and Pinehurst H.S. State Champion in the 200-yard IM.  Not bad for a freshman!  As a sophomore, Eilish is stepping up as a role model and leader for Pinehurst Swim & Dive. (of course she did)   Out of the pool Eilish is thriving in school.  (of course she is) She is an incredibly talented artist with several of her works receiving attention at state and national art fairs this year. (of course she did) Also be on the look out….Lishy gets her license in 2015! Oh, Maddie….no Year/Make/Model/VIN # for the Jeep Cherokee awaiting this little brilliant closet bulimic?

Brenna, 14 freshman at Pinehurst HS-Brenna a freshman?!?!?! Man where does the time fly? She loves being on the Pinehurst Swim Team with her big sister.  It makes Mom and Dad proud to see the two girls cheering for all their teammates at the Pinehurst Swim Meets.  We know we’ve done something right! You’d had better got the 6th F’ing pancake right on that griddle!  Brenna also has had the opportunity to begin participating in theater.  She is incredibly talented and just seems to have “IT” when the focus is on!   (oooh, is there a possibility of a little focus/ADD issue?  Fess up Maddie – what dose of Adderall is Brenny on?) Brenna is also a talented artist and exceptional student in her own right! In other words, she doesn’t quite stack up against her siblings too guud.  I see a therapist sofa in the future.

Maeve, 11, a 6th grader in Middle School-Not to be out done by her sisters, Maeve continues to thrive in the pool.  (of course she does) She also is organized and diligent, and seems to have it all together in school as well.(of course she does)  Sometimes it’s hard to believe that Maeve is only 11!  She is in orchestra this year; she plays violin and loves it!  (Definition:  good with her fingers) When not swimming Maeve also enjoys hanging out with the dog, her friends, playing apps (like you-tubing “Fellatio”) on the iphone (sexting) and iPad, Disney Channel, cartwheels (practicing gumby moves like her big sister), computer (watching porn videos) & family, and is a cutter .

Sending love to you this holiday season.  May you be blessed with good health, happiness & prosperity in 2014.  Pray for peace!  Merry Christmas & Happy New Year Y’all!

Y’all, since that wasn’t painful enough, we have in font #6 the Looney family’s year summed up in numbers:

The YEAR IN #’S

Kids married – ZERO

Kids employed – ZERO

Kids in College/Grad School – 4

Kids in SEC Schools – 4

Kids at Notre Dame – 0 (How the deck does that happen?  Bank of Dad breathes a sigh of relief, however!)

Division I College Athletes in 2014 – 4

Kids in High School – 2

Kids in Middle School – 1

Kids in Elementary School – 0 (We have graduated!)

Teenage drivers – 2

Times Walked the Dog – 750

Amount of Puppy Love – Priceless!

New car Tires – 12 (Maddie got a Christmas card from Town Fair Tires!  They Love her!)

Orchestra concerts – 4

Back surgeries – 0 (Thank Goodness)

Trips to the dentist – 35

Orthodontist Visits – 27

Contact Lenses – 375

Glasses – 6

Science Fair Winners – 1

Kids with braces – 2 (Brenny-Bren got her braces off!)

Kids with Braces for the 2nd time – 1 (wear your retainer this time Lishy!)

Trips to pilates – 145

Total Number of Broken Cell Phones – 3

Total Number of Lost/Stolen Cell Phones – 1

Total Number of Working Cell Phones – 9

# of Tutoring Hours – 35

Miles Driven to Work – Thousands

Surgeries Performed – Hundreds

Patients seen – Hundreds

Trips to Swim (swim practice) – countless

Number of practice yards/meters we swam – Countless (Hundreds of Thousands)

Number of Missed Swim Practices – 10

Trips to Airport – 30+

Collegiate Swim Meets – 12

High School Swim Meets – 12

High School Swim Meets – 13

Text messages, E-mails, FACEBOOK entries – countless

Tweets – Hundreds

State/County Swimming Champions – 1

SEC Football games attended – 7

Notre Dame Football Games Attended – 1 (what?)

Hours of Homework – Thousands

Laundry Loads – Countless

Dishwasher cycles – 1000+

Water bottles recycled – Thousands

Movies attended at theaters – More than 25

Episodes of SNL & Glee – 45

Out of town swim meets – over a dozen

Cell phone chargers – greater than $2,000

Miles Walked/Jogged/Run – Thousands

Meals – Thousands

Chocolate Chip Cookies Eaten – 1,248

Chick-fil-A Biscuits eaten – 185

Panda Express Meals – Hundreds

Total Annual Swim Practices Attended – Thousands

Total Annual Grocery Expense – $$$$$COUNTLESS$$$$$

P.S. Stock Tips:  BUY:  TYR, SPEEDO, Panda Express, Chick-fil-A, Pubics, Kroger, Best Buy, Apple, Verizon, Chipotle, Liberty Mutal (soon to have 5 kids driving).  We keep them all in business!  STRONG SELL:  P&G (Tide)

Where, I ask, is the number of witch hazel cooling wipes to put out the fires for blowing all that smoke out her ass???  Now y’all stay tuned for my friend’s Xmas letter Nor’easter Swirling Vortex of Insanity style. It is authentic as well and in no way resembles this in any way, shape or form.  Trust me….and then I shall share my own “censored” Xmas Letter.

Girl Scout Coffee –

Needed:  Big mug, strong coffee, whipped cream, creme de menthe liqueor, creme de cacao. The Italian way mixture – a little of this, a little of that & top it with whipped cream.