Month: November 2015

Since we are in throes of the Giving Thanks season, I wanted to make all the singles aware that we also have our own special day of recognition coming up.  After all, you know our crackhead ADHD retail society has the Valentine displays already erected in the stockroom to replace Christmas on December 26th so …….

SAVE THE DATE:  February 11th, 2016

Who knew that February 11th is Satisfied Singles Day; a mere 3 days prior to Valentine’s Day?  Nowadays there is something for everyone “on the spectrum,” and I shall take full advantage of celebrating come this February.  Perhaps a trip to a tropical island would be a delightful way to acknowledge. Please, please, I certainly do not wish to imply that my opinions or feelings apply to all unions of marriage – only 50% of them.  For me personally as part of this statistic,  “Marriage is  like paying an endless visit in your worst clothes.”

With everyone at a seemingly down-the-shitter-vibrational-low due to all the terrorism and wars hovering like a dark cloud over the globe, I’d like to share with my readers the Top 10 of what I miss about married life.  All sarcastic naturally.  For a laugh.  The idea popped into my head because of a text message from my ex-husband and a red pen a friend of mine would take along clothes shopping.

A little background:  My daughter moved to an island.  Since the dealership didn’t want the leased car back with 8 months left on the lease, we dropped said car to her Dad’s (my ex-husband) to enjoy for the remainder of the lease, not quite agreed upon by all parties when we made that drop off.  My daughter was kind enough to have it washed and I was kind enough to pay his first month’s lease payment.  Since I hadn’t heard from 1x since we gifted him the car along with the payments,  I considered no news good news until I got a text two weeks later from him telling me my daughter’s car registration had expired 4 months prior, did she know she was driving with an expired registration, and did I remember getting it in the mail.  PIFF.  I was on a ferry-boat, starting my 10 days of Birthday celebration with my friend of 46 years right along with a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc so I recall nothing. So, it went something like this:

Me:  Text her and ask her.  The same thing happened to me.

1x:  I did.  She didn’t know anything about it.  Lucky she didn’t get pulled over.

Me:  We are one lucky bunch.  I got pulled over twice within 14 hours for a non-registered car. (Then I did thank him for taking over the car lease.  The least I could do).

1x: I like it.  Never really had a new car.  Somebody always got it before me.  I got the hand me downs. LOL. (Helloooooo!  That somebody had OUR 3 kids to haul around.  Working brakes and a functional transmission were always a consideration).

Me: Oh, you gotta let go of that.  Clearly you’re still under a woman’s spell because you’re still driving that 17-year-old piece of shit.  If you stayed single like I did, you’d have a new car and loads of fun.”  LOL (the 17 year-old car being one of my “new” cars)

1x:  100 percent correct.  I work too much.  Cars 4 kids soon.

The red pen – My friend/co-worker, used to carry a red pen in her purse so when she went shopping she could “mark down” her purchased items to show her husband the “On Sale” items she landed….a brilliant idea I must say.

So, here’s my Top 10 of what I miss about being married or why I am grateful that I am no longer married:

1. I miss the shock factor on my ex’s face of purchasing a brand new car and telling him when he got home from work he had to drop me off to pick it up.
2. I am grateful for no longer getting an electric mixer, frying pan, a bird feeder or a hot pink Hanes Her Way sweat suit as a Christmas or Birthday gift or perhaps a gift card purchased in the check out line at Stop & Shop.
3. I am grateful for no longer having to buy men’s boxer briefs.
4. I am grateful for no longer having to listen to the droning on about retirement plans starting at age of 40. (Shit.  Why not start planning your funeral at this point as well)
5. I am grateful for no longer having to share closet or bed space.
6. I miss going clothes and shoe shopping and having to cut off tags and smuggle it all in little by little from the car.
7. I miss having to sympathize with my Ex who would moan and carry on about not feeling well, allergies, headaches, sports injuries, etc., or checking his ass for hemorrhoids. The sole reason men were anatomically incapable of giving birth, and I wouldn’t be writing this because the human race would be extinct by now.
8. I miss watching the psycho pack the car for the family camping trips and making the kids cry.
9. I am grateful for no longer having to hang his postal truck ornaments on the Christmas tree. (However, I do miss the shit boats of cash tips & liquor during the holidays)
10. Last but not least, I miss the classic line,  “Why didn’t you tell me you needed help?”  Well, gee hunny, did you not see that floor mop wedged in between my ass cheeks simultaneously mopping the floor while I was making dinner, and holding a baby? Or was that not a big enough clue?  Oh, you’re tired from work?

Of course I could’ve made this into a 4,000 word essay with a much more intimately detailed list, but that’s all in “the book(s)”.  Fact is, a marriage breaks down because of this short list:

• Married for all the wrong reasons
• Thought your spouse could change
• You grew apart
• Mental health/substance abuse of a spouse
• Mental/physical abuse
• Infidelity

If I was to ever give advice, I would say:

• Fall in love with someone who will make you their world, but not their entire world.  It’s healthy for women and men to have a circle of friends…it just is….no matter how far your childhood or soul friend moves, keep in touch because you will reconnect someday due to time and circumstance.
• Fall in love with someone who is never in competition with you or you competing with them.  Never make it a competition who does more, works more, gets more free time.  That game never has a winner.
• Fall in love with someone willing.  Someone who loves themselves first because if they don’t, they certainly won’t know how to love you.
• Fall in love with someone who accepts your quirks and you theirs.  Don’t bother trying to change them because you won’t succeed.
• Fall in love with someone who is crazy for children whether or not you ever have them.  Children are the windows to the soul.
• Fall in love with someone who loves animals, and would never do them harm.  Someone that an animal will gravitate to because animals are more often a better judge of a person’s character than humans.
• Love the people in your life that love you back.  You will never be lonely if you love and are loved back.  It doesn’t take just one person to fulfill your life.

This is to honor those who are sandwiched between children and aging parents.   My Mother passed away 17 years ago and I made a huge mistake of doing everything for my Father to try to ease the burden of his loss.

Do it once, you do it forever

It was too tall of an order, and no matter how many f’ing homemade apple pies I baked or pot roast dinners I cooked, it wasn’t bringing back his wife.  Starting the day after she died, he began coming to my house for breakfast, lunch, and dinner until I slowly weaned him off the breakfast and lunch meal plan.  I cleaned his house for years, and picked up his laundry and garbage weekly.  He’s had dinner with us just about every night since then unless by some miracle or blessing he agrees to go out to dinner or to the local Italian-American club for “Hog’s Night,” but usually bitches that the pork chops or the roast beef was like shoe leather and you could re-sole your shoes with it.

Then he had a nice little in-law apartment built for himself above my garage after I was divorced.  So, essentially I just inherited another man to cook, clean, and take care of.  Personally, I love when he asks with an attitude, “You’re going out again tonight?” followed by, “What’s for dinner?”  I’m not even going to tell you what my response is under my breath, but it’s a universal word that fits into any sentence structure.

He’s pushing 88 years old and still drives, works, and we call him Jesus because he’s been flat lined twice, saw the light that dimmed, and resurrected.  Then there’s the at least one or two annual brushes with death due to his stubbornness of not wanting to go to the doctor because “they only find things wrong with you.”  He’s usually 3/4 dead at this juncture from some walking pneumonia or bronchial thing yet he pulls out of it after only a day of antibiotics.  It’s nothing short of a miracle and he’s obviously not completed his task on earth or my Mother doesn’t want him yet because she’s having way too much fun with all her biddies as I’ve been told on numerous occasions.

I could go on for days relaying his antics, but I’m saving that for another publication.  It’s definitely not easy when a parent has become a ZERO filter curmudgeon, but we all need to remember who and what they were before they had to start the role reversal of having to lean on us.  When you’ve reached that age and are one of the last ones standing, most of your life’s memories are buried along with your family and friends in a cemetery.  I have to remind myself of that often when Jesus isn’t acting exactly ethereal. A couple of examples for shits & giggles…or an 8 on the Richter scale of inappropriate comments:  He asked my daughter if she was a lesbian because she had never brought a boyfriend home.  Later that same day, he told my niece, the bride-to-be, only weeks away from her wedding, she looked like she put on some weight.  I believe her wedding gown was a Size 2, a size I maybe would’ve squeezed into in 1st grade.  I would also get the ass ripping for his colorful remarks.  My Sister-in-Law called me to ask why he’d say such a thing to the bride-to-be, but as the one upper I am, she shut right up when I told her what he said to my Daughter.  I am not my Father’s keeper, but frankly, sometimes the shit he comes out with is true and it is funny.

All About Grandpa Chol:

He wakes us somewhere between 5:30 or 6:00 have a warm enema ready, he will then go to the bathroom so keep the lights off and be quiet.  Keep interaction minimal or he will not be able to perform.  Trust me he needs to.  There is prune juice in the freezer so I will keep 1 cup frozen please take it out Friday night and it will be defrosted by morning.  If he doesn’t finish the entire glass you can save it for the next morning, cover it with Press and Seal and put in the fridge, but if he doesn’t finish it just pour it out.

Around 7 or 8 he get’s changed and is in his outfit for the day.  He pretty much eats every time I put food out give or take.  That’s pretty much 3 times a day.  Space it out so his last meal is around 6 PM so if he eats at 7 his next would be at 12 and then maybe 6/6:10 kind of depends on how your day works out.

He likes a bowl of ice cream about an hour before he goes to sleep, earlier if he’s seems tired and fussy.  He may resist or cry but usually passes out in 10 mins.  If he wakes up just try popping a few benedryl in his mouth or if he won’t settle down you can put him on his stomach and let him cry it out.  You may want to make sure there is no residual enema in him or he may poop or be stinky.

As a reminder his coffee is taken with milk and sugar.  He will then need a cup of coffee every 3-4 hours.  You can leave an extra cup in case, but when he drinks more than he usually should he gets jittery so don’t give it to him unless he really needs it because it may set off his defibrillator.  There are extra shirts are on the dryer in case he  drools or spits up.

After his last feeding he goes up and puts his PJ’s on please make sure you put his afghan around him, now it’s quiet time – He’s not funny anymore when he goes to bed, unfortunately since his bed time is earlier.  Turn the lights out and put him down, sometimes it takes him longer to fall asleep, he should sleep through the night, but if you hear him wake up it’s probably because he has to pee.  Don’t talk to him even if he gives you a cute smile, he always goes back to sleep.

Will show you how to start Jenny’s car and how to adjust the seat.  He doesn’t need to be strapped in.  The seat belt cuts off the power pack supply to his defibrillator.

This is his time to make the rounds and visits of any surviving friends.  I will leave you a short list of names of his friends if he’s gone too long, but check the cemetery first since most reside there.

This should be it.  Remember he loves attention, Frank Sinatra, and foot rubs so I know you two will have a ball.  He loves you.

Thank you X O X O Auntie B

If you think it’s not easy for you dealing with an elderly parent, times that by 100 to be that parent having lost your independence, sense of self, sense of worth, and having to depend on your children or worse – our healthcare system.  My friends and I volley elder issues back and forth regularly, and it’s very degrading what caregivers do or don’t do even in exclusive nursing homes.  The smallest requests are even ignored.  I would hate like hell to see what level of care the seniors in low income/medicare nursing homes receive.  Then there’s the what goes on behind your back with live-in health aides.  Unfortunately, there’s always a bad apple somewhere in the bunch.  The rotten to the core apple I’m referring to was responsible for an elder’s fractured spine due to a fall among numerous other incidents that she covered up.  I do believe if I was ever to face her again, I would  need to bitch slap her.  I also hope she receives the exact same level of care when she needs it as she provided to my friend.

Attached is a link to book that is a must read for anyone dealing with aging parents.  It’s not an easy read, but an important and insightful look at what it’s like for seniors as the quality of their life diminishes. It also touches upon quality over quantity – when to say when.

http://atulgawande.com/book/being-mortal/