If You’re Gonna Ride My Ass At Least Pull My Hair

You would think after numerous years of using “hemorrhoid” as a character description for a vast number of people, I’d know how to spell it by now right?  No…..likely due to my love of abbreviating, and I’d just refer to them as a total “Roid.” We all have them:  some we work with, some we marry, some we are related to, some just are.

Hemorrhoids – are vascular structures in the anal canal

(basically when a person is constantly up your ass)

They become pathological or piles when swollen or inflamed

( swollen egos who get really inflamed when caught in pathological lies)

Internal hemorrhoids – make you bleed

(self-explanatory)

External hemorrhoids

(The every day pain in your ass)

Usually constipated people in your life play the key role in the development of hemorrhoids.

Now you have it – why hemorrhoid is a proper term to use as a character description.

One of my relatives just had her first experience with these little beauties, and in order to write this I had to clear it with her, then I shared my first experience with her this evening.  The difference between our generation and the now child bearing generation is they google and Web MD everything, have way too much information, and they’ll be a therapist’s dream because of their online TMI.   Now I’ll share my A-hole story with you since we’re speaking of TMI.

I was newly married and my groom was having ass discomfort and asked me to take a peek see up there in the abyss before we were heading to my parent’s house for a family cookout.  I know I begged off, but as usual I relented.  That was like 30 years ago, and there are just some things iron branded in your memory you only pray you’d forget. So, as the newlywed bride, I took a look and what I saw looked like a damn asshole vineyard of grape harvesting.  When we arrived at the cookout, I confided in my sister-in-law, the nurse, that the groom thought he had ass cancer (and there wasn’t even online diagnosis then), and of course his plight was announced to everyone that he had a case of hemorrhoids or as I began referring to them, ass grapes. I shouldn’t have laughed.

My karma – have some kids and before you know it, you’re flat on your back on a lounge chair on your deck paralyzed from the pain of hemorrhoids.  That’s until one of your kids announces your ass pain to the neighborhood and your good Samaritan neighbor, Big D, comes over to give her recipe for relief.

Hints from Hell-Ease – The Recipe for Hemorrhoid Relief – full proof recipe

Needed:  Milk of Magnesia,  a disposable wash cloth ( unless you’ve got it in for somebody then save it AFTER use) or cosmetic pads (probably a better choice)

Soak wash cloth or cosmetic pads with Milk of Mag and stick in a baggie and put in the freezer or refrigerator (whatever your preference is for freezing out the little bastards)

Tuck way up into your ass cheeks especially at night so you can get gentle overnight relief like a Correctol.  I wouldn’t recommend taking a Correctol at this time unless you have a death wish.

Back Up Plan B – Before bed, shoot an ass bullet of Calmol 4 up, an over the counter hydrocortisone suppository.  Don’t you just love that word suppository?  Oh, the people I’d love to watch get some suppositories stacked up like a Pez dispenser followed by a big Fleet enema.

I brought frozen grapes to the beach and shared with my beach cult.  Frozen grapes are great until you refer to them as hemorrhoids.  No one ever wants any of my grapes anymore.  They’re all such Roids.  I think on the next hot day, I shall bring chilled wash cloths in baggies for them to blot their faces with.

Like a hemorrhoid……..